Furious 7

This movie is fucking ridiculous.

First off, I hope whoever was making the music decisions is serving hard time in a cell without sunlight right now, because this was fucking ridiculous. Worst use of music in any movie, perhaps ever. If you're so utterly daft that you don't understand which scenes are meant to be emotional, fear not, because there is a generic Lifetime-movie emotional swell fronting every emotional scene. Yes, fronting. Not backing.

The dialogue is...how can I put this accurately...if the bottom of the barrel was dismantled and wooden sticks fashioned from the remains, those sticks were then dipped in filled diapers and used to pen a solid 89% of all words spoken and/or mumbled aloud during this movie. Ten-year-olds would understand how fucking ridiculous the dialogue is.

Pacing? I'd liken it to a woman of extreme age and frailty shambling through the local mall at 7:00 AM. The trip takes forever, but I'll be damned if every moment isn't rife with tension as the uncertainty of how she'll make it to the next boutique mounts with her every shuffle. A few individual moments of excitement akin to wondering if the pause in the blue-hair's journey is due to senility or the desire to be sat in a chair and wheeled home. But for all the dramatics, the ordeal can't end soon enough. How such grand set-pieces could amount to little of worth or consequence is fucking ridiculous.

I think there's a joke afoot that I'm not in on. The Rock rising from a hospital bed, flexing out of his cast, and joining the fray by carrying (by hand) a weapon you mount on the side of a combat helicopter is more fucking ridiculous than anything to be found in G.I. Joe - and I'm not limiting that to only the live-action films; Sunbow's work counts.

And how fucking ridiculous is it to cast Tony Jaa and force him to carry a submachine gun for a preponderance of the film? That motherfucker can jump through barbed wire hoops - literally - and he gets but a handful of frames to display his fantastic and downright impressive natural abilities? Also, Rhonda Rousey honestly looked like she could take on The Rock, but is also afforded very little time to do anything of substance. Why are all the ass-kickers sitting on the sidelines, only called in for punts? I didn't like that.

But the most fucking ridiculous thing is how anyone of sound judgment, critical thinking, and plain old fashioned taste would ever choose a Corona over a Trappist Belgian! Lamborghini? Bugatti? No thanks, I'm happy with my Reliant Robin.


The way Paul Walker's death was handled, I must admit, was mature and sincere. Odd, however, in the transition from the story into the ending tribute (being that there was none), which will no doubt (in the future) confuse some unsuspecting viewers unfamiliar with Paul Walker's real-life turn of events. And I can't say that I cared for the heavy-handed "foreshadowing", although nothing in this movie was subtle.

Speaking of which, Furious 7 (fucking ridiculous) operates on a "more is more" mentality throughout. Vin Diesel squaring off against Jason Statham on a rooftop, each party duel-wielding blunt objects like a John Woo wet dream, could not possibly be more out of place, even if you took away the Two Steps From Hell-inspired epic music cue as they charged at one another head-on, because the first two times in speeding automobiles just wasn't enough.

James Wan, this is fucking ridiculous. You're better than this. Are you? I don't know. The camera draws attention to itself in the worst way, the same gimmicks are repeated (oh look, tilting sideways again!), the editing is often nonsensical, the movie looks like a Nintendo 64 game with how eyeball-gouging the unspecial ineffects are, and there are more music video montages in this one (I'm guessing) 4-hour movie than in Michael Bay's career as a maker of music videos.

What the hell is this? It reminds me of Fast & Furious more than The Fast & The Furious. I guess Fast 5 was a fluke, after all. Or perhaps the blame should be placed on the viewer for expecting the 7th film in a series to be even slightly worthwhile. I wanted to ask for my money back, but then I realized that my ticket was free. Somehow, I still felt ripped-off.

The question I have is this: on what level is this movie supposed to be enjoyed? I like dumb fun (Fast Five, perfect example), but there has to be a point where the viewer draws the line between silly and insulting. When human beings can drive off a cliff and walk away unscathed, the enjoyment factor diminishes because the stakes have also lessened. You need a threat to the heroes. The threat of a threat is not enough. In Fast Five, getting caught pulling the heist was a real threat. Here, getting killed in any of the numerous motor vehicle collisions is laughably false. And because of that, I'm not engaged.

I want my movies to be fun, but I also don't want them to be completely stupid. This was essentially a spoof of itself. Sorry, but that sucks. Do a better job.