Malignant ½

"How many times do I have to watch my children die inside of you?"

Take the tone deaf and insulting domestic abuse commentary of Leigh Whannell's absolute shitcake Invisible Man remake and replace the undeservingly excellent Elizabeth Moss performance with an Annabelle Wallis performance so unconvincing and cringeworthy that I'm almost tempted to call it purposely bad.

Some of the worst acting and writing I have ever seen holding up a deeply cliched story that is so much less weird or interesting than it thinks it is. Every single line is either regurgitating the film's limp dick themes or made to sound epic in a lame trailer speak sort of way. Every actor feels lost and confused by this nonsense screenplay and it manifests in universally terrible performances without vision or direction.

The Safari Riot cover of "Where Is My Mind" by the Pixies is actually pretty chilling, but its implemented so laughably (3 times!) and so mismatched that it doesn't even matter. Come to think of it, a lot of the music in Malignant doesn't match the tone of the scenes, that cover was just a rare instance of music that was actually good.

The editing is Taken 3 levels of choppy. Why the fuck does a Horror movie need to have quick-cut action scenes where we can barely tell what's going on? When it's not cutting at record speed, it's rushing to massive conclusions that are barely established beforehand with no proper setup. It is a horribly edited film in every sense.

Its got some entertainingly over-the-top kills and impressive sets, but very little else to recommend. It's nowhere near enough to hold up a bad story performed this poorly.

Oh, and it's not scary.

Like, at all.

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