Arbogast Video Theatre’s review published on Letterboxd:
Catching up with Bergman 16/20
Elliot: Hi. I'm Elliot Gould. Is this a Bergman movie? It seems I'm in Sweden.
Bibi: Oh, yes hello, we're two Swedish actors who have worked with Ingmar for more than twenty years, let's speak English for a while
E: Okay, um. Here's a line for you, Bibi: I love you
B: You do?
B: I probably love you too
E: That's fine.
B: I mean I'm not sure. I'm pregnant?
E: Sorry, was that a question?
B: No, no. Anyway, I'm uncertain of most things.
Max: I'm Max. Allow me to intrude.
E: Oh, OK. You seem friendly to me.
M: Yes, of course. Right now I'm smiling. But after you screw my wife I shall become very morose. Yes, yes, quite so.
B: Let's put on some music.
*Extremely silly montage music plays*
*Awkward silence between our three stars*
E: You're sure this is a Bergman film?
B: I'm not sure of anything.
E: How about you, Max?
M: Not really.
B: I'm going to take off my clothes now.
B: Oh, you'll get used to it.
E: While you do that Bibi, let me insist on us having an affair.
E: As I said, I love you.
B: Well, OK then, I find your affection most convincing. I think I'll decide to sleep with you for a couple of years.
M: I knew it, Elliot. I'm starting to feel bad.
E: Well, what will happen next?
M: I'll just lay here on this couch for a while and feel miserable.
B: I'm not sure, myself. First I go to you, then I'll go to him. We'll be going on like this for some time.
E: Why? Where's it going?
B: Around and around, like a carousel.
E: Sounds like a pretty fucking boring carousel to me.
B: Well, life is hell.
M: Speaking of hell, do you think I should do this old exorcist priest they're offering?
B: What does the role require?
M: Green vomit right in the face.
E: Can't be any worse than this.
M: I'll sleep on it. Night, night.
E: Right, well... Is there a way out of this movie?
B: I don't think so.
E: Can I at least drink?
B: Sure. Help yourself.
*some time later*
E: Well, now I'm really drunk. I know I used to have a beard
B: Some time has passed. A year I think.
E: Where are we now?
B: Still in Sweden
E: Oh man!
E: I need weed.
B: Sorry, we only drink in this country. It's how we stay properly depressed.
E: But seriously now, come on! This can't be a Bergman movie.
Ingmar Bergman: You're absolutely right.
E: Oh there you are! Skål!
IB: Hehe, yes well, I'm sorry Elliot, it's all a horrible mistake. I shall forget all about this film and pretend it never happened.
E: Well, I'm halfway there, I've already forgotten the title!
IB: It's called The Touch.
E: The touch... of what?
IB: Just The Touch. Don't ask me why, I honestly couldn't come up with a better title. In fact, I already have my mind set on a little something called Cries and Whispers.
B: Yes, you told me about it earlier. Sounds great. Very rewarding.
IB: You won't be in it. I'm going with Liv on this one.
B: (silent and angry)
B: Can I put my clothes on now?
B: Thank you.
E: I thought the movie was called The Fucking Touch!