Thunderball ★★½

Thunderball is, until this point, the only Bond film I'd never seen. I wish I could say it didn't disappoint, but...yeah, it did. Somewhere in the year between Goldfinger and this film, Connery clearly decided to just give up (that moment was probably when he was looking over a contract, I assume). He doesn't even try to affect a British accent anymore, and even his toupee has given up as it looks practically like a lego hair piece.

I don't blame him for not giving it his all this time around though, because this movie from the get go was pretty rough. It segues from a nigh incomprehensible cold open involving some fake death of someone with the same initials as him and tries to escape in drag who Bond then kills before escaping with the dorkiest jet pack ever, and culminating with him limply splashing some bad guys with water gun tailpipes in a most humiliating use of the DB5, to an opening in which Bond is tortured on a geriatric sex machine cum chiropractic table as a source of tension after which he blackmails a women into sex after assaulting her.

Like, shit. That's a lot to take in.

Fortunately the movie eventually settles into an alright, if utterly unremarkable and fairly dull, Bond film. But it's so long, and there are so, so many underwater shots that go on foreeeeeever. And the climactic action scene is literally two underwater armies slowly swimming at each other. It doesn't get much lamer than this.

And yet, I still enjoyed this more than I probably should have.

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