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  • The Shaggy Dog

    The Shaggy Dog

    ★★★★★

    I used to have a dog.

    It was a German Shepard mix. By that I mean it was half German Shepard and half something so fucking indescribably ugly I can not describe it here.

    My father got the dog for when he went to work. My father would clip a leash to my collar and connect its other end to the dog. He'd pat the dog on the head, point into the woods and say,

    "Well, take Garrett wherever you…

  • Tom & Jerry

    Tom & Jerry

    ★★★★★

    They had to cut me out of mother’s belly, that’s how good I am. They had to cut me and with scissors and knives and owww!!!! Is ownowowow!!!!! 

    And when I came out they said 
    “What’s in his mouth? What’s that in his mouth?” 
    And, and this is what people who know who I am tell me, they said eveeryhhhyhyyone went quiet in the room. Like this:







    And when everyone goes quiet you can hear me. And when you can…

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  • Stuart Little 2

    Stuart Little 2

    ★★★★★

    When my father would take me out to the movies, he'd whisper in my ear before we sat down.

    "Don't you embarrass me. Don't you fucking embarrass me."

    When we went to go see Stuart Little 2, there was a couple in the back of the theater. Any time Stuart came on screen, the girl started crying. The boy offered no solace.

    "Don't you piss in those Goddamn pants," my father whispered. "your mother died in those fucking pants."

    Sometimes,…

  • Space Chimps

    Space Chimps

    ★★★★★

    I woke up this morning passed out in the gutter, my arm hanging limp down a storm drain. A homeless man was screaming at me that the cosmos will come crashing down on us any day now, and then kissed me on the mouth. I asked him to touch me, but my scent made him gag.

    I wandered into an abandoned, boarded up cinema. Nobody had been there for years; a temple disowned by god. I found a Mars Bar…