Ritual ★★★★★

tw// suicide, cutting

i remember there was a period in my life where i felt like i was at my end, i was in a constant state of fear, of unknowingness, and an overwhelming feeling of ending it all. i remember waking up, sitting down, staring at a screen for hours, riding my bicycle, study, sleep, and I'd do the exact same thing, over and over and over again. i remember my own mother telling me she didn't care if i killed myself, and i couldn't stop laughing, i felt nothing in that moment, empty, numb, and nothing, i got up, i waited until everyone went to sleep, i grabbed a knife, and i scraped against my skin, i kept doing that till flakes of skin were coming out of me, then i grabbed the knife, i cut myself, i put the knife against my neck, and as i stood there, i had a moment of doubt, this wasn't my first time attempting this, this won't be my last, either i go through with it, or i don't, i didn't, as i stood there, blood dripping from my arm, dropping to the floor, i stopped everything, i got cleaned up, i went to my room, and i listened to piano, it sounded very similar to the one that plays throughout this movie, as i struggle with my identity, with self expression, with my sexuality, it all comes down to that one moment, where i decided to not let the feeling overtake me. at the same time i was in a relationship with a person I'd never met, and I'd lost feelings for them, alot of my points might seem irrelevant if you haven't seen this, but if you do, you'll understand why im saying all of this. there's alot on my mind, and whatever ritual did for me, I'd say it's for the best, thank you for reading.

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