Gift of the Magi ★½

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

#4 on Christmas, a love/hate relationship List

This is where this list really begins. I came in expecting this movie to be bad, and it was, but at least it wasn't terrible. I was expecting that type of music to play during the opening credits. You know, that made for tv music that nobody likes, that is in every made for tv romance/comedy/drama ever created. The acting was also not that great; there were times when I was getting The Room and Birdemic flashbacks (ok so it wasn't that bad, but there were moments when I was reminded of those movies).

So, typical expectations were met during the first 5 minutes, and the next 25 were a bore. Della (the wife) is too fucking happy and cheerful of a character, I was waiting for some accident to happen that would wipe that smile off her face. A traffic accident, her husband getting killed, her getting killed, Steve Martin saying "fuck" to her a dozen times, anything.

For the first 30 minutes, I was very bored with this film. Nothing was happening, just talking and moments of "We're in love, seriously, watch this scene and we'll prove it. I'm happy too, just watch this scene and I'll prove it." After the 30 minute mark, we get some actual conflict, with the wife considering buying a new photo lens for herself instead of a new steering wheel for her husband. But then the car gets stolen, and they need a new one. Now, I have to mention that I was losing my mind for a bit, because they never established that they only had 1 car, or that they had a working car at all besides that old hunk of junk in their garage, which I thought was the car that got stolen at first. So I kept shouting, "Why the fuck do you still want to get the steering wheel? The car is fucking gone!" It's not until later that I figured out that they own 2 cars, plus the car that needs repairs in the garage. Would've been nice if they established that at the start of the film.

Anyway, the plot is basic. A couple loves each other, and they want to get a gift for one another that neither can currently afford. Husband needs a steering wheel for his car that he's working on, wife needs a superior photo lens for her camera. They both sacrifice the car and the camera to get the objects, and laugh at the irony at the end of the movie because they love each other, and that's all that counts. Most original plot ever.

There's a woman named Renee who looks like a poor woman's Lisbeth Salander, and she hooks up with a guy who looks twice her age at the end.

At one point, after the husband (Mitch) talks to some kid about getting his wife a practical gift like a blanket or a kitchen knife, something the wife does need, the kid gives him a stern look, then says, "Aren't married couple's presents supposed to be romantic?" Well fuck you you little shit. I don't care if a couple is married or unmarried, practical gifts are always more appreciated than romantic ones. A knife used to cut and make meals will seem a lot more thoughtful if the jerk got her a ring instead. "Oh, thanks honey, I guess I'll just have to cut the turkey with my fingernails." She would pawn the fucking ring for some knives if she was smart.

The big conflict arises when the husband accuses his wife of cheating on him because she was gone so often after taking a 2nd job, which she keeps as a secret from her husband, and he sees her with another man at the hotel, but it's really her boss who she works for at the hotel. That's a fast rush to judgement there you asshole. Plus this lady is the nicest most cheerful fucking person in the world. I have a hard time picturing her having sex with anyone, much less with a guy who isn't her husband. The only way a person like that could cheat on anyone is if it's Charlotte the Harlot, and she's not a harlot. But she makes the situation fucking worse when he confronts her about it, by making excuses like, "Well I've been lonely this whole time. You're never around, and I'm always sleeping alone." Do you have any fucking idea how fucking implicating those statements sound you dumb bitch!? Jesus Christ. So because the guy acts like an asshole and because the wife is an idiot, they separate for a while.

But it's a Hallmark movie, so of course they make up and get back together by the end. To be honest, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I didn't like it, but I didn't hate it either. It had some genuine laughs and thoughtful moments at times, just not very many. I definitely wouldn't watch it again. What I fear the most is that this movie is going to be a lot better then the next one I put on this list, and this next one is going to be a doosey. Nobody wants to see this movie, and I can't believe it even got made. Those motherfuckers. Until next time.

List rating: dislike (it goes in the hate spot).