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  • Fifty Shades Freed

    Fifty Shades Freed

    "Boobs in Boobtown."

    Way back when the books were first published I was asked to review them for a magazine I wrote for. I read them in a day, wrote my review in an hour, then left the books at my local coffee shop with a note saying:
    "Free to a naughty home."
    They were gone in under 60 seconds.

  • Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

    Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

    ★★½

    This review first appeared in Metro Jan-Feb 2018 issue. 


    Celebrated Irish playwright Martin McDonagh has lately been creating brilliant theatre on screen: In Bruges and Seven Psychopaths are fan-boy favourites, so a new McDonagh is an exciting notion for those who like their dark comedy interrupted by sudden violence. Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri pits Frances McDormand, grieving and caustic as Mildred, against a lower-key Woody Harrelson, the local police department’s Chief Willoughby. Her daughter, violently murdered; his department, no…

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  • Kingsman: The Secret Service

    Kingsman: The Secret Service

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Aside from the yawnful Good-Guys-White / Bad-Guys-Other-Colours casting, this was a surprisingly enjoyable action flick... until it fucked out in the third act.

    It was partly the utterly weird special effects. Partly that they sent their only lady-spy off into space 'cos no plot for her. But mostly because of a series of gags right near the end in which the only moral (blonde, beautiful) hold-out amongst the captured guests offers our hero ass-sex if he sets her free.

    Don't…

  • Paddington

    Paddington

    ★★★★★

    I just couldn't find anything wrong with this. And now I'm off to make some marmalade.