goodhunterabbie has written 15 reviews for films rated ½ .

  • Texas Chainsaw Massacre

    Texas Chainsaw Massacre

    Straight alt-right propaganda, a dream world whose string of homicides begin with a Black man killing a white woman by failing to understand that her Confederate flag is heritage, not hate. If this were going to be seen by anyone past opening weekend it would be evil, but instead it's just deeply, insultingly stupid. Traumatic backstories are checked off like so much paperwork, our villain is an immortal automaton capable of absorbing shotgun blasts, and the most nuanced understanding of…

  • Halloween Kills

    Halloween Kills

    Dear Evan Hansen is no longer the worst film of 2021.

  • The Danish Girl

    The Danish Girl

    OHHHHHHHH it ends with a scarf flying away because scarves are fragile and feminine and it's a METAPHOR see I'm gonna [redacted] [redacted] [redacted]

  • Malcolm & Marie

    Malcolm & Marie

    "Digital vs. film, none of this shit matters!" then uh why'd you give Kodak their own title card Sam

  • Fantastic Four

    Fantastic Four

    This was not voluntary.

  • Suicide Squad

    Suicide Squad

    "I can't recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass. I'm naked in the dark. There's nothing—no veil between me and the wheel of fire!"

    We've roamed this planet too long.

    [Watched in preparation for Birds of Prey.]

  • Charlie's Angels

    Charlie's Angels

    The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was warping feminism into brand material.

    In awe of how cursed this is. Not an ounce of filmmaking talent on display, but it literally ends on the revelation that RBG is an angel which I guess is supposed to make it an uncriticizable yas-queen powerhouse. At least K-Stew got paid.

  • The Trump Prophecy

    The Trump Prophecy

    First Reformed: "Who are you?"

    The Trump Prophecy: "I'm you but stronger in every possible way."

  • Waves


    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Waves: the movie that dares to ask the question, "What if the kid who brutally murders his pregnant ex-girlfriend is the REAL victim?!"

    Despised this. Plays like a parody of A24's style—slathered in neon, packed end to end with obnoxious needle drops, camera constantly bobbing and rotating without purpose, no fewer than SEVEN aspect ratio changes. And then there's the story, which is overwrought to near comedy—the highlight might be a climactic argument via text messages that plays out in real time exactly the way you'd expect, right down to an autocorrected "DUCKING." Bad, bad, bad.

  • Deadfall


    The sex montage in this movie > all the sex montages in The Room combined.

  • The Dark Tower

    The Dark Tower

    "You maniacs! You blew it up! God damn you! God damn you all to hell!"

  • Beauty and the Beast

    Beauty and the Beast

    There's a separate grammar to movie musicals than there is to stage musicals—at least, there is to the type of movie musical that Disney makes. Classic stage musicals are pervaded with song. Many of them are almost/entirely sung-through—Les Miserables, Sweeney Todd, The Phantom of the Opera, etc.—and even those that aren't will have musical numbers peppered liberally throughout their runtime. In this type of musical, songs are the default mode of expression—not every song will be as important as every…