• Jackass 4.5

    Jackass 4.5


    They REALLY put Dark Shark through it huh.

    4/5 men vomitting.

  • Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers

    Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers


    It would've been a lot better and felt more authentic if they had the actual voice actors playing Chip and Dale, and if the 2D characters were actually 2D-animated.

    3/5 cats from Cats.

  • American Psycho II: All American Girl

    American Psycho II: All American Girl

    Honestly, I don't see the hype.

    1/5 microwaved cats.

  • What We Do in the Shadows

    What We Do in the Shadows


    This movie will never not be incredibly funny and wholesome. It sets up the setting and concept perfectly and then immediately starts playing with it and exploring it.

    5/5 erotic dances.

  • Werewolves Within

    Werewolves Within


    So fun and colorful and vibrant and charming and dynamic and well-written and funny.

    This balances its ensemble cast incredibly well. It's so sharply directed, blocked, and edited.

    Sam Richardson needs to be in a lot more things than he currently is in. He's so freaking charismatic.

    5/5 snowshoes.

  • Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

    Charlie and the Chocolate Factory


    What I liked:

    I really admire Johnny Depp's completely unrecognizable performance in this.

    The guy who plays the oompa loompas rules so hard.

    What I hated:

    Everything else.

    The titular Charlie Bucket doesn't even have a character arc. He just stands around, and at the end he's in the exact place he started the movie in.

    The ending is way too long. The movie ends and then there's another 15 minutes of screentime.

    2/5 Lord Farquaad haircuts.

  • Toy Story 3

    Toy Story 3


    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Spanish Mode stays ON during sex.

    This movie deserves to be in the Great Sequel conversation along with The Godfather II, Paddington 2, and Return of the King.

    These toys give me the same emotional reaction as the Muppets. Woody and Kermit are very similar characters.

    This movie is perfectly paced, expertly written, and every character is unique and vibrant. The animation still holds up to this day.

    Andy saying "Thanks, guys" breaks me every time. And even though I…

  • Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

    Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness


    Sam, you beautiful bastard.

    It's fine until the multiverse stuff actually kicks off and then Raimi just goes balls to the walls 80's horror which is awesome.

    Side note, I'm writing this review in a bathroom stall next to someone who is VISCIOUSLY vomitting. Do I say something? Do I wait until they leave? How long are they going to be in here? Do I live here now?

    The best parts of this movie are when you see just true…

  • Onward



    This movie sits at 3 stars for a while until we hit the third act. Out of nowhere, this movie becomes incredibly poignant and powerful. I would have rathered the main characters be played by almost anyone else, but the story and emotion in this movie as a whole is what makes it work.

    4/5 fairy bikers.

  • The Northman

    The Northman


    Simultaneously extremely messed up and yet not messed up enough. Just let Robert Eggers put dicks in his movies, he wants to so bad.

    3/5 horse murders.

  • Everything Everywhere All at Once

    Everything Everywhere All at Once


    In an alternate universe, I remembered to review this after I watched it.

    I don't have much to say except it's absolutely incredible with an awesome message. It's conceptually enormous but emotionally poignant.

    This movie uses comedy to lower your emotional defenses and then strikes with all the heart a single movie can possibly muster.

    5/5 googly eyes.

  • The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

    The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King


    This movie is firing on all cylinders at all times. The only thing that lets it down is its seventeen different endings.

    "For Frodo" always gives me chills. However, one of the greatest scenes in all of cinema is Aragorn telling the hobbits, "You bow to no one" before he and the entire kingdom bows to the four of them.

    Also, I'd like to shoutout the Sam v Shelob fight. That scene is hectic as CRAP and very effective in…