Underworld: Blood Wars

So it looks like yesterday I was able to utilize a mobile hotspot to post the reviews on the sites that I post them on. If it holds up, this will be what I use for the next week or so as the appointment to have it fixed was made for next Friday. Funny thing about that is that we were informed by our provider that their people came to perform some improvements that, apparently, left us without service and a few other people as well. They didn't say this when they contacted us, I just mean that a neighbor's friend is going through the same thing. They don't say anything about coming to fix their mistake though, since it doesn't seem to be something on our end. Neither here nor there, I suppose. Just thought I should give you an update on the situation. So DVDs it is or borrowed DVDs at least. Hmmm, where do I start with the Underworld franchise??? I think it should be noted that Screen Gems, who distributed the franchise, also distributed the long-running Resident Evil franchise, another long-running female-lead action franchise. And, ultimately, I think both franchises suffer from the same problems. That major problem is and, in my opinion, I think Underworld suffers more from this, is the fact that every single one of the stories in these movies just start to blend together. As much as someone may love either of these franchises, you can't tell me that each installment is really all that different from one another deep down. The reason I say that Underworld is worse in this regard is because of the fact that the story, essentially, almost always involve some sort of battle between the lycans and the vampires. Every Underworld movie has the same visual style, you know the one, that bluish hue. You cannot tell any of these movies apart. Resident Evil, on the other hand, while still largely a terrible franchise, at least branched out and employed different visual styles while still, generally, dealing with the T-Virus and how it turns those who suffer from it into zombies. Underworld has looked and felt the same since its first installment came out in 2003. I was FIFTEEN fucking years old when the first movie came out, a movie that I saw in theaters with a couple of friends. It hasn't changed, in the slightest, since then. And, really, you could make the argument that it's gotten worse as it's moved along throughout a decade and a half. I think it should be obvious to most, if not all, of you that I did not like this movie in the slightest. The thing is, however, that there seems to be no end in sight for this interminable, yet strangely profitable, franchise. Underworld is a franchise that goes on because it keeps making money, yet it is one that very few people seem to care about. I know it's got passionate fans, but I don't know, they don't seem to be that obsessive and, at this point, you're making this movie for them. Sure, a more casual crowd may see an Underworld movie every 3-4 years, but they don't care. It's a movie they watch for the sake of it. Regardless, I just wish it would end. It's gone on long enough and they ran out of ideas after the first sequel. As far as this particular entry is concerned, it's another nonsensical, poorly acted, poorly choreographed sequel. The lycans and vampire are at war, STILL, and now they, they being both vampires and lycans, need Selene's daughter's blood (a daughter that Selene gave up at the end of the previous film) in order to stop the war. How the fuck does Selene's daughter's (who's the first pureblood hybrid or something) blood end the war between the lycans (led by a new, powerful lycan called Marius) and vampires, I do not know, but it supposedly will. Talking about Marius, he's supposedly someone Selene should really fear, he's bringing lycans together like never before. So he's Selene's toughest challenge to date until her next toughest challenge to date. And that's the problem with this franchise, every villain is so forgettable because you, inevitably, know that he or she is gonna be overcome at the end of the day. Even Marvel, who suffers from some of these same forgettable villains, has Thanos, who fucked shit up in Infinity War. Thanos actually WON in Infinity War. Neither here nor there, I suppose. So everyone is fighting for knowledge of where Selene's daughter is hiding. Selene's daughter, however, never once appears in the movie. So you could make the argument that this really is a whole big fucking waste of time, because the person that is driving this entry's narrative forward only appears seconds before the movie ends. This is there to fill in the blanks between Selene's daughter's disappearance and her return in the sequel. The movie, quite openly, admits that it is not worth your time. And you know how disheartening to know that a film you're watching, in a terrible franchise no less, isn't really that important. You know when I said the narrative moves forward, that was a big mistake on my part. The narrative moves laterally. It just moves a little to the left. And if it moved a little to the left yet still provided something that was entertaining but, of course, this being the Underworld franchise, you know there's nothing good. Not even if you look at it ironically or if you attempt to laugh at it. Everything is so self-serious, so gloomy, so dark that, really, it becomes a parody in and of itself. Even the Resident Evil movie had Mike Epps in one of the many entries in that franchise. This has no sense of humor whatsoever. This is even more noticeable given the fact that I was not able to finish this review prior to me watching yesterday night's movie. That movie was 2003's Zatoichi: The Blind Swordsman. Which, while having a relatively serious story of this blind swordsman (duh) fighting back against this gang that's forcing its weight on this village and the swordsman eventual showdown against the gang's lead bodyguard, still had a lot of really strong comedic elements to liven things up. This movie, on the other hand, doesn't have an inch of comedy in its blood, it seems that the vampires sucked all the sense of humor (that it never had) out of this franchise's carcass. The acting is boring. Well, really, Theo James' face bores the shit out of me and he seems to not care that much either. It's not like anyone here is good, the script is just too fucking bad for anyone to be truly good, but they're all better than Theo James who, honestly, looked like he was sleepwalking through 75% of it and the other 25% he was awake cause he was starting at Kate Beckinsale's ass. Like I mentioned, the action terrible and they try to make up for it by it being bloody and gory (but not TOO bloody and gory) and it just doesn't work. The action in this movie just feels so fucking weightless. Like a kid playing with toys and he smashes them together. And, even then, the toys make a loud noise if you smash them together too hard. This movie doesn't even have that. There's no impact to any of the action, no oomph necessary to make this R-rated action movie, it's all weak and poorly edited together. Logan succeeded in its gory action because it felt brutal and visceral, like they were actually doing damage to each other. This movie, someone could be shot seven times, it's like nothing happened. It's like they got shot with, instead of bullets, baby's farts. One positive, if it can even be called that, is that there's no unnecessarily pointless sex scene. It's only a flashback to a sex scene EARLIER in this franchise. This movie, quite frankly, is a disaster. Perhaps not a disaster of epic proportions, but it does literally nothing well. It's not the worst movie I've ever seen, but it fails monumentally at everything that it sets out to do. Sorry, Underworld fans, but this movie is kind of terrible. I really cannot think of any redeemable qualities about this. It's incredibly difficult. I hated this and I cannot fucking WAIT for this franchise to be over. The suffering has gone on long enough.