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  • Beauty and the Beast

    Beauty and the Beast

    ★★★★

    Magical as shit, but you're gonna just have to forget Disney and Hermione-Belle and all those stupid songs and strangely sexually-anthropomorphic household items and the backpacks and stuffed animals and straight-to-streaming sequels, because this is the real, unsullied deal.
    Ever wonder about our culture ruins things in the process of cribbing them? Look no further: the jolly hysterics and merchandising are blissfully absent from this dark, strange, and lovely film. Astonishing craftsmanship lends itself to haunting visuals and designs (I'm…

  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

    Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

    At last the long nightmare of sitting through these yet again is over, as my youngest child moves on to better, brighter books (The Prydain Chronicles! Yay!).
    As execrable as its predecessor, even without all the goddamn camping: a mess of sudden plot contrivances, plot holes, and continuity so bad even the kids have always noticed! (How the fuck did Luna get into Hogwarts, for example). The actors all dial it in: Snape suffers the most, in an unforgivable rape…

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  • Thor: Ragnarok

    Thor: Ragnarok

    ★★★★★

    It's Hammertime.
    Easily, the best film of the Marvel Cinematic Universe--an assertion I feel completely justified in making since you get to hear Bruce Banner say the line, "Hey guys, we're coming up on the Anus!" The handlers of the MCU finally understand what it takes to make a comic book movie: strip away the scowling, the darkness, and the weighty political messages (Thor3's is subtle and kind of insane, but a nice change) and just make something wacky as…

  • A Quiet Place

    A Quiet Place

    ★★

    What would have been an excellent and frightening take on invasion coping and post-apocalyptic psychology instead is undermined by unforgivable storytelling flaws that render it as nothing more than a monumentally retarded movie where the usual idiots making bad decisions, in this case, a lethal one that makes not an iota of sense, try to survive against a very non-lethal menace.

    ***SPOILERS FOLLOW***

    Aliens invade who can hear you. So you basically die if you aren't silent. Neat, right? The…