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  • Molly's Game

    Molly's Game

    ★★★★½

    MOLLY’S GAME is basically just Jessica Chastain looking hotter & hotter & hotter with each passing scene for a two hour duration.

    I FLIPPING LOVED IT.

  • Star Wars: The Last Jedi

    Star Wars: The Last Jedi

    ★★★★★

    If you didn’t get a little giddy when Poe handbreak-turns the X-Wing then I feel bad for you.

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  • Alien: Covenant

    Alien: Covenant

    Earth-shatteringly terrible.

    ALIEN: COVENANT has less brain cells, imagination, and purpose than roadkill. It is tragically written, dismally crafted, and populated by the most titantically disposable characters of the year. So much so, they actually tell you when they are going to die:

    "Hey bro, I'm gonna take a leak, so like don't wait for me and stuff because Xenomorphs are here and they gonna eat my spleen. YOLOOOOOO"

    "Hey bro, just stick your head over this freaky alien egg…

  • Beautiful Creatures

    Beautiful Creatures

    ★★

    Basically it's the new Twilight.
    Everyone knows it's the new Twilight.
    And anyone knows it's the new Twilight.
    Universally, it's the new Twilight.
    That's it; it's the new Twilight.
    It's the new Twilight.
    Filling the gap left by Twilight.
    Understand? It's the new Twilight.
    Love Twilight? Well this is the new Twilight.

    Cheer emo kids! It's the new Twilight.
    Rejoice sexually repressed teens! It's the new Twilight.
    Embrace fans of mellow indie! It's the new Twilight.
    Ascend in your masses…