Godzilla vs. Kong

Godzilla vs. Kong ★★½

Monkey v. Dragon.

The biggest illustration of suspension of disbelief displayed in this movie which is ALL suspension of disbelief, is that the monkey had any chance in this fight.  It’s just like Batman versus superman… As if Batman had any chance. Shut up fan boys and girls… he didn’t. I don’t want to hear anymore about that kryptonite bullshit. Supes could have whooped his ass in a matter of seconds if you wanted to. 


Like Skull Island, this film has no constant tone. It’s all over the map and not in a good way. It’s a MacGuffin filled mess, highlighted by some big, mildly fun creature battles, and anything Brian Tyree says.
What’s most upsetting about this film is how many talented people are wasted in it.  No human beings are given anything resembling a character arc or depth. Instead they are simple plot devices bringing us from one special effects sequence to another. For an effects romp, these spaces in-between our interminably long. Worse, nothing really happens of value there. It’s as if this was real life and we were just waiting for the creatures to catch their breath so they can fight again. It’s like you can hear the director yell to the cast… Stall! Stall!
While I’m kvetching, (spoilers ahead).....

Da Fuck is with that huge Kong enclosure on skull island? How are we supposed to believe they could build this or anyone could build this?  It’s stupid. Did they just knock the monkey out for 15 - 20 years? And if that’s the case,  how is Millie Bobby Brown the same age?  
Oh and don’t get me started on the boat or worse… The helicopter Hammock?!  Did the sign language girl just simply ask the monkey to roll over onto the hammock? And how pray tell, did they accomplish this feet in the middle of the fucking ocean?
Oh I’m just getting warmed up…
Shall we discuss Antarctica‘s butt hole? “Go to the butt hole monkey, go to the butt hole!”
At this point in the movie my 13-year-old and I devolved into a mystery science theater 3000 episode.  13-year-olds love yelling the term “butt hole.” 
Please stop putting Kyle Chandler in movies this bad. I love him too much to watch him suffer. And while we’re on that topic… Pretty convenient that he just shows up in Hong Kong at the end. In a city that’s just been completely demolished by two behemoths,  he just happens to run into his daughter and her friends. He embraces her as if he had any idea what the hell was going on because their communication amounted to one crackly phone call he didn’t even understand.
I will give this movie points for being so bad that it’s kind a good though… I mean we laughed a lot… Even though the film had no intention of giving us that reaction.  
Oh and lastly… I called Mechagodzilla 10 minutes before the film even started. Sheesh.

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