Dracula ★★½

For me, the worst part of watching a movie alone is not having anyone to make dumb jokes & observations to, so, I'll just write up a quick transcript of the commentary I had with myself while watching Dracula:

- Whoa! They have armadillos and opossums in Transylvania?!
- If I showed up as an invited guest to Dracula's castle, as soon as I saw those mammoth spider webs, I woulda been like "Damn Drac, you couldn't dust a little bit before I arrived?"
- "There are far worse things awaiting man than death." Speak for yourself, Dracula, you immortal fuck!!

At first, when I found myself underwhelmed by Dracula, I blamed myself!! I thought that maybe it was because I don't have any nostalgic attachment to this adaptation, or maybe because I lack a fancy film school education, or maybe it's simply because I'm an '80s baby who was the prime age for a version with Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder, maybe it's because I have the cinematic palate of a garbage eating goblin, whatever it was I found myself wishing I was watching Bram Stoker's Dracula from 1992 instead, I NEEDED Gary Oldman and Wojciech Kilar!!

But then I realized, like, damn, Bela Lugosi's blank stare is boring as hell, there's nothing menacing behind those eyes and we're expected to be intimated by his presence alone, Dracula wasn't even half as creepy as Renfield!

In the scene when Renfield told the orderly at the asylum that he didn't want to eat flies when he can get "nice, fat spiders" ugh that line coupled with the look on his face gave me goosebumps from head to toe, and, unfortunately for me, nothing else in Dracula even came close to that brief, chilling moment, for the rest of the running time I was as disengaged and bored as Bela Lugosi.

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