This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.
The Disney movie model:
Step 1: hire exciting directors.
Step 2: fire exciting directors.
Step 3: take the bare bones of their vision and twist it into a paint-by-numbers, cliché-ridden, entirely forgettable shell of a blockbuster that audiences won't even exert the energy to hate.
Which isn't to say that I didn't enjoy parts of Solo. Alden Ehrenreich would have been a solid Han if he'd had more of an opportunity to develop his own version of the character. Plus,…