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  • Terminal Island

    Terminal Island

    "Staying alive out here is a bitch, baby."

    Corman vet Stephanie Rothman puts a feminist spin on the women-in-prison genre, by which I mean it takes 24 minutes for one of them to go topless. At first blush I thought the two convicts who run things on the male-dominated island prison were gay, but that turned out to be wishful thinking. One department where this film didn't let me down, however, was the script, as it includes such gems as "Bobby's gonna shit when he finds out we stole his women" and "That dude just took his last crap."

  • The Land Unknown

    The Land Unknown

    "Here we are, practically at the South Pole."

    Or impractically, as the case may be. It's like some studio exec's kid did a presentation on Antarctica for school and they decided to repurpose it as the first sequence of this script. Then it drifts into Land of the Lost territory and a guy in a rubber T. Rex costume lumbers in and brother, Gojira he ain't. As ridiculous as the whole shebang is, though, it's never boring and the helicopter pilot is hot, hot, hot, so it's a relatively painless way to pass 80 minutes.

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  • Saving Christmas

    Saving Christmas

    This "film" has a running time of about 79 minutes. Here's how that breaks down:

    5.5% - Kirk Cameron's smug, hot chocolate-obsessed introduction
    3% - A seemingly unmotivated cutaway to what looks like a much more interesting movie but is, in fact, not (Bonus: We get to see this footage again in its entirety when it's placed in the proper context)
    2.5% - Cheaply animated opening credits set to a ska cover of "Silent Night"
    7.5% - Kirk's "brother-in-law" --…

  • Gaslight

    Gaslight

    What's that? You say there's a movie called Gaslight? Sorry, dear. Never heard of it. You must have imagined the whole thing.