• Four Hours at the Capitol

    Four Hours at the Capitol

    I almost feel like the New York Times’ Visual Investigation into the insurrection tells this story better (and more succinctly), but the insane interviews from the participants of January 6th make it worth a view.

  • Jungle Cruise

    Jungle Cruise

    “Who on earth is this movie for?” -Me, at least ten different times during its truly inexcusable 2+ hour runtime

  • The Girl on the Train

    The Girl on the Train

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    This movie has it all: Infidelity, Infertility, Infanticide! Perfect for a first date.

  • You're Next

    You're Next

    Asking terrible actors to add a second layer to their performances is unkind to the talent and tortuous to the viewers.

  • Stoker

    Stoker

    ★★★½

    Gorgeously shot and edited. I just wish there was just a little more, at the risk of using a terribly cliche phrase, there there.

  • The Amazing Spider-Man

    The Amazing Spider-Man

    ★★★½

    Andrew Garfield > Tobey Maguire
    Emma Stone > Kirsten Dunst
    Martin Sheen > Cliff Robertson
    Sally Field > Rosemary Harris
    CGI in 2012 > CGI in 2002, 2004, 2007
    Marc Webb’s More Straightforward Blockbuster Direction > Sam Raimi’s Low Budget Camp Aesthetic

    Truly don’t understand how this movie gets slagged off as much as it does, as literally the only category in which it pales in comparison is that Rhys Ifans is no Willem Dafoe or Alfred Molina.

  • Halloween Kills

    Halloween Kills

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Justice for Judy (Greer).

  • Carrie

    Carrie

    Host to an iconic sequence and a fantastic, somehow understated, performance from Sissy Spacek, but oof, is the rest of this movie ROUGH. There’s a ton of just awful acting/insanely terrible dialogue, silly camera tricks masquerading as horror, and a scene where someone has a entire conversation while simultaneously giving a blowjob. Which is to say nothing of DePalma’s overlong hyper-sexualization of teenage girls to OPEN. THE. MOVIE. I’ve yet to watch the remake, but I have to assume it’s at least not as cringeworthy as this one was 90% of the time.

  • Election

    Election

    I don’t really understand the near-universal praise this film gets when it’s not even the best dark comedy centered around high school-aged teens from 1999. That honor belongs to Drop Dead Gorgeous

    However, I do believe this film is still an accidental masterpiece, as the rest of Payne’s oeuvre (not to mention the original ending) has showcased that he does not truly understand what he accomplished here. One need look no further than the line Mr. Novotny delivers down the…

  • Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

    Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

    Shaggy Joseph Gordon-Levitt
    Pre-Dawson’s Creek Michelle Williams
    Introducing Josh Hartnett
    A horned-up version of young Robin Williams from Jumanji
    A Creed album track as the credits music

    I’m not sure if this is a successful Halloween sequel, but it is an excellent time capsule from 1998.

  • Spider-Man 2

    Spider-Man 2

    These rewatches are rough.

    It’s hard to overcome Raimi’s “camp” instincts, the atrocious dialogue, and the still burgeoning CGI. Much like Dafoe in the first film, Molina’s big bad is the star of the show, elevating some pretty awful dialogue and making his murky motivations almost make sense. 

    This one gets an extra half star for the added levity (I actually laughed out loud twice) and inclusion of Dashboard Confessional’s “Vindicated” as the first credits tune.

  • Halloween II

    Halloween II

    I really want a minute-by-minute accounting of Michael Myers’ whereabouts on the night of October 31, 1978. Because for a dude who just menacingly meanders from place to place he got a lot done between the hours of 10pm to 11pm.