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  • The Matrix Revolutions

    The Matrix Revolutions

    ★★★★★

    Smith: "Oh, I'm not so bad, once you get to know me."

    Neo establishes a connection with the Source immediately upon entering the Architect's chamber. The One is granted wireless access that no other entity has, explaining his subsequent miraculous demonstrations — short-circuiting sentinels, and remotely detonating waves of bombs. This telepathy enables him to see other machines the way they see each other, after Bane-Smith burns out his eyes. Those glowing, golden money shots of what I call Neovision…

  • The Matrix Reloaded

    The Matrix Reloaded

    ★★★★★

    Neo: "But if you already know, how can I make a choice?"

    Oracle: "Because you didn't come here to make the choice. You've already made it. You're here to try to understand why you made it."

    Crucial dialogue between Neo and the Oracle that has deep ramifications through the rest of the trilogy, to Neo's final choice. The key to fully comprehending what happened at the end of Revolutions starts around this point in the narrative.

    The older I get,…

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  • A Cure for Wellness

    A Cure for Wellness

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    or: Gore Verbinski's Dracula

    Pestilence made manifest. Water as a symbol of life eternal, and death. Eels slithering around everywhere. Dane DeHaan is perfectly cast as a corporate ladder-climbing asshole who you want to see learn his lesson. Audaciously states its themes and backstory right away, then spends the next two hours exploring every little detail of this sickly world. Primeval horrors lurk just below the surface, hiding in plain sight. Capitalism chews us up and spits out our bones,…

  • Godzilla

    Godzilla

    ½

    Roland Emmerich's only apparent aesthetic choice was, "more rain". All attempts at intentional humor fall flat. Even multiple Simpsons actors can't save it. The movie becomes less aggravating if you think of its creature as "Zilla", a giant mutated iguana. Instead of glorifying the American military like so many blockbusters do (including the new MonsterVerse pictures), this one portrays them as buffoons who cause more damage to New York City than their target does. In an incredibly sloppy continuity error,…

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  • School of Rock

    School of Rock

    ½

    I used to really like this film.

    Back in the day, I worked at Hollywood Video. For those of you who are too young to know what this business was, it allowed people to rent VHS tapes and DVDs inside a brick & mortar store, for stupidly high prices with ridiculous late fees that would cause customers to yell at me.

    Anyway, one of my co-workers was Rob. All things considered, he's a cool guy. But Rob was/is a huge Jack…

  • Sleeping Beauty

    Sleeping Beauty

    ★★★★★

    My mom once told me that when I was about three years old, I stood up in a restaurant and loudly recited the following line from this movie:

    "Now shall you deal with me, O Prince — and all the powers of HELL!"