Great Satan

Great Satan

Patron

"I mean, what's the point of living, if you don't have a dick?"

– D. Darko

Favorite films

  • Alien³
  • Still Walking
  • Nobody Knows
  • Terror of Mechagodzilla

Recent activity

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  • Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris

  • Still Walking

  • The Thing

  • Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

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  • Alien Resurrection

    Alien Resurrection

    METROID/ALIEN MARATHON, PART 4 OF 4

    THE GAME: Metroid Fusion (2002) [played on Nintendo DS Lite]

    THE PLOT: While accompanying researchers on SR388, Samus Aran finds herself infected by a parasitic organism later dubbed the X. Galactic Federation scientists save her life with a vaccine developed from the baby Metroid's preserved DNA. After regaining consciousness, the bounty hunter is assigned to investigate an explosion aboard the Biologic Space Laboratories station, where large portions of her surgically removed Power Suit were…

  • Alien³

    Alien³

    METROID/ALIEN MARATHON, PART 3 OF 4

    NOTE: This is the definitive version of an earlier review.

    THE GAME: Super Metroid (1994) [played on Super Nintendo]

    THE PLOT: Samus Aran delivers the Metroid hatchling to Ceres Space Academy, where scientists hope to utilize its powers for the good of galactic civilization. Soon after leaving, she receives a distress signal. Ceres has been decimated by Ridley, who steals the baby and returns to Zebes!

    THE REVIEW: Every aspect of this perfectly designed…

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  • I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

    I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

    Opens on Michelangelo's Pietà, closes with Freddie Prinze Jr. exclaiming how much he loves his electric toothbrush while Jennifer Love Hugetits gets pulled underneath her bed. More absurd and entertaining than the original because the screenplay embraces its throwaway nature as late '90s trash (Kevin Williamson's felt like a rejected spec script from the '80s). Slick direction, rain machines, and moody lighting serve as an effective time capsule for J.Lo's continued misadventures with Fish Hook, whose lore is expanded upon.…

  • I Know What You Did Last Summer

    I Know What You Did Last Summer

    Midwit auteurs Kevin Williamson and Joss Whedon make me want to tear my face off in the absence of better artists intervening to improve their material. An '80s slasher mixed with '90s culture tastes like shit, even without the meta genre awareness. I Know What You Did Last Summer takes place in North Carolina, but the lead teen heartthrobs are California to the core. Jennifer Love Hugetits and Sarah Michelle Gellar at her most nubile for the fellas, Ryan Phillippe's…

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  • Sleeping Beauty

    Sleeping Beauty

    My mom once told me that when I was about three years old, I stood up in a restaurant and loudly recited the following line from this movie:

    "Now shall you deal with me, O Prince—and all the powers of HELL!"

  • School of Rock

    School of Rock

    I used to really like this film.

    Back in the day, I worked at Hollywood Video. For those of you who are too young to know what this business was, it allowed people to rent VHS tapes and DVDs inside a brick & mortar store, for stupidly high prices with ridiculous late fees that would cause customers to yell at me.

    Anyway, one of my co-workers was Rob. All things considered, he's a cool guy. But Rob was/is a huge Jack…