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  • Cleopatra
  • Aliens
  • The Big Lebowski
  • Predator

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  • Casino Royale

  • Jason Bourne

  • Aliens

  • The Bourne Legacy

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  • Alien Resurrection

    Alien Resurrection

    METROID/ALIEN MARATHON, PART 4 OF 4

    THE GAME: Metroid Fusion (2002) [played on Nintendo DS Lite]

    THE PLOT: While accompanying researchers on SR388, Samus Aran finds herself infected by a parasitic organism later dubbed the X. Galactic Federation scientists save her life with a vaccine developed from the baby Metroid's preserved DNA. After regaining consciousness, the bounty hunter is assigned to investigate an explosion aboard the Biologic Space Laboratories station, where large portions of her surgically removed Power Suit were…

  • Alien³

    Alien³

    METROID/ALIEN MARATHON, PART 3 OF 4

    NOTE: This is the definitive version of an earlier review.

    THE GAME: Super Metroid (1994) [played on Super Nintendo]

    THE PLOT: Samus Aran delivers the Metroid hatchling to Ceres Space Academy, where scientists hope to utilize its powers for the good of galactic civilization. Soon after leaving, she receives a distress signal. Ceres has been decimated by Ridley, who steals the baby and returns to Zebes!

    THE REVIEW: Every aspect of this perfectly designed…

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  • Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

    Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

    Hermey the elf reminds me of myself. An independent-minded misfit who befriends animals. Also, a homosexual.

  • Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City

    Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City

    Fucking terrible.

    For the first time, I have nothing to say about a Resident Evil movie. They finally made one which tried pandering to the fans, and it failed miserably. (The lesson is, never try.)

    My goodwill lasted for about five minutes, until the slowly increasing tension dissipated when Neal McDonough—whose presence does not often augur a quality film—referred to the children we'd been watching as the Redfields. The remainder of the running time is like this: video game references,…

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