Carol

Carol ★★★★★

I've always struggled with my sexuality. From 7th-8th grade I was 100% sure I was gay, until I realized I wasn't and had a major panic attack. Having to un-come out to all of my friends was one of the most heart wrenching and upsetting things I ever did. I was so embarrassed, ashamed, and felt completely idiotic. 

I know now that I am bisexual and am completely comfortable with it. 

I've never been confident. I've never found myself to be at all attractive and always failed with my grades because I never believe I can do anything. I haven't made any films because I fear they will turn out terrible and that I will be criticized.

I still struggle with this everyday and it seems to be getting worse. 

I have extreme anxiety, something my mother won't accept most of the time and something I consume myself with every single day. I fear my friendships will fail, my family will hate me, I will disappoint people. I truly blame myself for every relationship in my life that failed, even when I know they aren't my fault.

When I watched Carol back in 2015, I wasn't impressed and expected more. I realize now that this film is me, and everything I feel about myself. As a woman in the LGBT community, this is nothing new and has been said before by hundreds of people just like me. But I interpret films in my own way and always have, so that every film is a new experience. 

La La Land is my vision of dreaming and the future. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is my vision of love and regret, and now I see Carol as a vision of myself. I fear now that I'm being selfish, and maybe I am, but I've always feared the woman I am and Carol has changed me completely.

I'm not entirely positive how to conclude this, but I feel myself in Therese Belivet and now I'm hopeful for the future and who I will be. I love this films beautiful score, flawless acting, and timeless story of love. The last shot of Carol made me cry and left me with chills. Carol is perfect.

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