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  • Tango & Cash

    Tango & Cash

    ★★★

    Trash. But enjoyable trash.

  • Tenet

    Tenet

    ★★

    THEY JUST FILMED HALF A FILM AND THEN PLAYED IT IN REVERSE FOR THE SECOND HALF!! GET IT TOGETHER, CHRIS!

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  • Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor

    Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor

    ½

    ONE TIME I ACCIDENTALLY ACTIVATED THE CAMERA ON MY PHONE AT WORK AND IT FILMED TWO HOURS OF THE LENS RUBBING UP AGAINST THE INSIDE OF MY SHIRT POCKET (CUZ THAT'S WHERE I KEEP MY PHONE) WITH THE ONLY AUDIBLE NOISE BEING THE MIC RUBBING AGAINST FABRIC AND THE OCCASIONAL CLEARING OF MY THROAT. ANYWAY, THAT ACCIDENTAL PHONE FOOTAGE MAKES A BETTER FEATURE FILM THAN THIS. NEGATIVE SEVEN STARS!!

    P.S. THIS FILM ALSO CRUSHES MY THEORY THAT NO MATTER HOW BAD A FILM IS THAT EVERY MOVIE IS SOMEONE'S FAVORITE MOVIE. THIS IS NO ONE'S FAVORITE.

  • Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out!

    Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out!

    ★★½

    You know when you’re like super high and get the mad hungry munchies late at night so you somehow find the motivation to get out of bed and stumble your way to the kitchen and you rifle through the cupboards and nada so you check the fridge and all you have is some guacamole that is a day or two old so it’s kind of browning but you like guacamole so what the hell grab a spoon and you’re just…