Army of the Dead

Army of the Dead ★½

Sometimes, a few fun gory deaths and some high-concept stupidity isn't enough to save your movie. Welcome to, and today we'll be counting down the top ten things that sucked about Zack Snyder's Army of the Dead.

Number 10: Obnoxious CGI. It's to be expected, of course, with a big-budget zombie movie post-World War Z, but surely some more of the blood, guts, and undead monsters could've been practical? Takes me out of it every time.

Number 9: Don't let that poster fool you: the colour grading here is just as boring as we've come to expect from Snyder. Everything is grey as fuck, constantly overcast and undersaturated. It looks as dull as it plays out.

Number 8: We get it man, you like slow motion. I don't see why every single scene has to have a big, drawn-out moment with extreme close-ups of characters looking mildly shocked. If you have one every five minutes, it starts to mean less and less each time.

Number 7: This thing is way too long. You're aiming to make an big, dumb, entertaining action-zombie-heist flick, so why does it take nearly an hour to get to the action, zombies, and heist?

Number 6: Plot holes. I won't spoil them, but Army of the Dead is absolutely riddled from front to back. There's literally no need for the entire plot to happen. Or for half of the characters to be there. Which brings us on to...

Number 5: If someone put a gun to my head right now and asked me to name a single character from this film, I would be dead meat. I watched it yesterday and already they've been reduced to "Helicopter Woman" or "Camp German" or "Batista". They're all bland, one-dimensional stock characters who make terrible decisions and don't talk or act like real people.

Number 4: The dialogue. Yeah, it's cheesy, but worse than that: it's forgettably cheesy. Every line uttered is dumb but it's not dumb enough to be memorable in any way. Helicopter Woman is the worst offender on this front.

Number 3: It's quite easy to make zombies boring, but it's actually pretty impressive to make super mutant zombies with advanced intelligence boring. Aside from a few cool ideas scattered into the wind, the idea of a hierarchal system amongst the undead is sorely underutilised and we never get a proper look into their "abilities". Even the tiger doesn't really do much.

Number 2: For the love of God, can someone please teach Zack Snyder how to focus a motherfucking camera properly? Watching this film is like wearing someone else's glasses for 2 and a half hours. It's enough to give anyone a headache. In fact, fuck everything about the terrible cinematography on display here.

Number 1: The music. If I ever have to hear that plinky-plonky John-Lewis-advert cover version of CCR's 'Bad Moon Rising' ever again, I'm gonna cut my own ears off. It's worse than the dodgy cover of 'The End' featured here, but nowhere near as bad as the decision to use 'Zombie' by The Cranberries in the film's closing moments. You'd have to be way past braindead to make that choice. Dolores O'Riordan is rolling in her grave.

Agree with our list? Which element of Army of the Dead did you think sucked the most? For more mind-numbing top 10s, be sure to follow us on Letterboxd!

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