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  • Last Action Hero

    Last Action Hero

    ★★

    Certainly the Longest Action Hero.

    My god, doesn’t this movie ever stop? At times, it feels like an ever bigger vanity project than Spielberg taking on Ready Player One.

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

    ★½

    "We will drain every ounce of their blood - even if it kills them!". Eh. I don't think bad guy knows that that's exactly how blood works.

    You remember that episode of South Park that aired post-Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, where Steven Spielberg and George Lucas literally (see? That's how you use that word, Americans!) raped Indy? Yes, I could feel Liebesman and Bay raping my childhood, but after a while I sort of... laid…

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  • The Meg

    The Meg

    “We’re gonna need a better film.”

  • Klown Forever

    Klown Forever

    ★★

    - There is no Alien: Resurrection.
    - Indiana Jonas 4 does not exist.
    - The only two Terminator movies are 1 and 2.
    - The Star Wars prequels are phantom pains.
    - Klovn Forever never happened.