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  • Treasure Planet

    Treasure Planet

    ★★★½

    The real treasure was friendship.

  • Mulan

    Mulan

    ★★★

    Great: cast, animation, bad guy, plot.

    Not great at all: fucking singing. Jesus Christ, enough with the goddamn singing.

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  • Outlaw King

    Outlaw King

    ★★★

    I watched Outlaw King for Chris Pine’s dick.

    And much like Captain Nu-Kirk’s peen, Outlaw King is more shower than grower. It’s often a very beautiful film, just as its main cast is made up of very beautiful people (buried under weird haircuts or yellowed teeth), but there’s not a lot behind any of that beauty.

    More here: www.jakobfree.com/essays/2018/11/11/outlaw-king-2018

  • Lilo & Stitch

    Lilo & Stitch

    ★★★★

    I grew up watching a lot of Disney Animation like everyone else in the goddamn universe. But now, as a semi-fully-formed adult, I find them all a bit grating. Why the fuck is Aladdin singing all the goddamn time? Who gives a shit about a song and dance number with a bunch of pots and pans? None of it makes sense! Why don't they just have a goddamn conversation?!

    That being said, all of the music in Lilo and Stitch…