Cool as Ice ½

Watched as part of the September 2017 Letterboxd Scavenger Hunt
My list | Dan Mundell's master list
#10: A film with a famous theme song

Watched as part of the July 2017 Letterboxd Scavenger Hunt
My list | Dex B's master list
#3: A film that sung a song on a "Sung by the Movies" video

2017 movie viewings, #133. I was all excited about this being my latest entry in my occasional "so bad it deserves a massive analytical writeup" series I do here at Letterboxd (see for example such past entries in this series as The Lost Boys: The Thirst, Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers, and the gloriously awful The First 9 1/2 Weeks); and in fact this was one of the rare movies I actually spent money for over at the Google Play Store in order to rent and watch, after learning that there wasn't a single copy online to download through BitTorrent (which is really saying something). Unluckily for me, though, never in all these years had I actually heard Vanilla Ice talk in a normal human voice, away from his actual rap songs; so I was unaware until I had actually downloaded this movie to my computer and started playing it that he affects such a cartoonishly terrible, outrageously over-the-top fake "ghetto accent" when he speaks, I could barely stand to listen to even ten minutes of the banal, whiny verbal diarrhea coming out of his mouth before being forced the shut the movie off altogether, for fear of throwing my shoe through my high-def television out of sheer rage. Way, way too awful to be a midnight-movie "so bad it's good" pick, Cool As Ice simply left me depressed and dispirited about the current state of America, with this 1991 film being a soul-crushing example of where everything in this country started going wrong, leading us to "proud to be stupid" bling-bling culture, which led directly to reality TV and the Kardashians, which eventually resulted in Trump As Dark Overlord Of The American Downfall. God, I need a drink.

UPDATE: All that said, even I'll admit that this movie's musical sequences turned out to be unexpectedly delightful, in that same kind of humorously eyerolling way that comes with watching old RUN-DMC videos.

UPDATE 2: What would've made this movie truly brilliant is if they had included exactly one scene like that one from Trailer Park Boys, where rapper J-Roc is confronted by his mother and immediately starts talking like the ten-year-old XBox-playing suburban white kid he actually is.

Jason Pettus liked these reviews