Ready Player One ½

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

A Full And Complete List Of All The Reasons The Film Ready Player One Sucked Ass, Apart and Separate From The Unending List Of Why Just The Book Ready Player One Alone Sucked Ass, Which You Can Read At My Previous Goodreads.com Review On The Subject.

Ahem.

1. Overweight, autistic hero of the book is replaced in movie by Hollywood Sexy Nerd.

2. Why are dour, antisocial nerds always portrayed by Hollywood as people who love to wear surprisingly hip colorful clothes? Actual dour, antisocial nerds wear nothing but brown sweaters every single day of the year.

3. Movie completely eliminates the one and only delightful part of the book, how the first key is found by having to solve the very first module ever written for Dungeons & Dragons.

4. Despite being a virtual world with no normal laws of physics, larger-sized avatars somehow have the ability to bully and push around smaller-sized avatars.

5. People can run around in real life mimicking the moves of their avatars while totally immersed in the virtual environment, but somehow magically without walking straight into walls or down into holes? COME ON, SPIELBERG.

6. Nearly all of this lazy script's plot conflicts could be solved if the avatars could fly; yet despite this being the most immersive, magical virtual reality of all virtual realities in the history of time, in which people can change physical forms at will and can ignore nearly all normal laws of physics, for some unexplainable reason they're not allowed to fly. The real explanation -- letting them fly would require Ernie Cline to be a better screenwriter, which he is incapable of being.

7. Overweight, autistic heroine of the book is replaced in movie by Hollywood Sexy Nerd.

God, what an unwatchable piece of crap this movie was, based as it was on what was already an unreadable piece-of-crap novel, then somehow miraculously made even worse than that. Here's hoping both this book and this movie crawl under a rock soon and that we'll never have to hear about either of them again.

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