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  • Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

    Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

    ★★

    I'm really disappointed Zack Snyder didn't put a giant cock on the Doomsday monster. Today Hollywood failed me.

    Hack Snyder should be arrested for releasing this cut of the film to the world. I liked a lot of the elements but GOD DAMN do they not come together. Ben Affleck was an incredible Batman, give me a solo BenjiBat and IronsAlfred asap.

    If the dream sequences look like a movie I'd rather be watching, you're doing something wrong (Mad Max…

  • Friday the 13th

    Friday the 13th

    ★★

    All I'm saying is if a crazy guy named fuckin RALPH tells me not to go somewhere or I "will never come back" I 100% don't go there.
    His name is Ralph! That's not even really a name, and if you are called Ralph you are usually an INSANE person. Example Ralph Wiggums or the homeless guy that lives in the park by my house. Yes that's right, the only Ralph I have ever met in real life is a…

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  • The 13th Warrior

    The 13th Warrior

    I guess this works better than the horrific Michael Crichton novel it's based on, which is based on Beowulf which I also can't stand. Right out the gate I don't buy Antonio Banderas with his thick Spanish accent as an Arab. Most of the interactions between Ahmed and Vikings are watered down to make room for more battles, but Lord of the Rings this is not.

  • Winchester

    Winchester

    Isn't the Winchester House supposed to be cool and mysterious, why is the movie about it none of that?

    There's ghosts in the house because uh... Winchester Rifles? It's not scary or interesting, and the cast didn't seem like they wanted to be there. The 90 minute run time feels like 90 hours because it's just so dull, show some trap doors or staircases or anything besides the washed up nothingness.

    So like.. let's stop giving money to the Spierig brothers right? Or fuck it put them on a Marvel.

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  • Arrival

    Arrival

    ★★★★★

    The ghosts of Stanley Kubrick and Michael Crichton have inhabited Denis Villeneuve's body.

  • Sausage Party

    Sausage Party

    I'd rather fuck a McChicken than watch a second of this ever again.