The Haunting of Sorority Row ★★

“It was her turn to sleep in the coffin.”
-Leslie (Lisa Marie Caruk)

Leighton Meester has lovely eyes. The sort that look into your soul. Though not quite this bad. That’s about all I could divulge from this made for TV mess.

The plot follows college freshman Samantha Morton, whom is looking to pledge to a sorority, only it happens to be haunted by a former pledged. The ensuing story unfolds in the most typical, by the books manner possible, so mind-numbingly predictable one can map out the entire plot before it’s even kicked off.

Aesthetically it all feels so made for television. I know it actually is, but so was Duel (1971) and that was pure brilliance, start to end. This, on the other hand, is a shoddily made, poor teen shocker, just without any real shock value. The music is horrible and often so mismatched it’s laughable. There is no tension whatsoever, as most of the time the girls, and the audience, are just sat waiting for the next scripted ‘scare’.

At one point they play truth or dare and talked about walking somewhere naked but it never happened. Some viewers could have been disappointed by this. Not me of course, not me, *ahem* but some.

The cast are so dully average it’s unbelievable. They’re not even particularly bad, just so boring. And Meester, despite all her loveliness, simply isn’t a good actress (She is on Gossip Girl). She’s no better in this. Incredibly dumb, and then she cheats on her boyfriend, who is a bellend, with some college guy, who is a bigger bellend.
Everything stretches believability to breaking point. The girls are painfully thick. The film is painfully dull.

VERDICT; Put it this way, it’s no Black Christmas. Or even the House on Sorority Row. Or good. I can’t really rate it lower than four, it’s not that awful – but it simply isn’t entertaining at all.
Oh look, the only review, that isn’t a surprise. Thanks Netflix, another pile of poo.
2/5 or 4/10