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  • The Second Arrival

    The Second Arrival

    ½

    Why did I watch this?

  • Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

    Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

    ★★½

    Considering the caliber of director/writers credited on this, I was expecting something about 60% funnier and 82% weirder, but the edges are so carefully smoothed down by test-audience-flavored sandpaper that it barely registers two seconds after finishing. I mean, it's fine? The cast is fun? Karen Gillan is actually allowed to be funny in it (in one scene)? Ehh. TBH if you're jonesing for a kid's movie starring Jack Black that isn't School of Rock, pick Goosebumps instead. That has about five more jokes.

  • The Greatest Showman

    The Greatest Showman

    ★★★★

    Complaining that this movie fails because it doesn't accurately portray what a scumbag PT Barnum was is like getting mad at Young Einstein for not depicting the 16-year-old scientist enrolling at the Eidgenössische Technische Hochschule in Zurich.

  • Darkest Hour

    Darkest Hour

    The poor reviews of this are really inappropriate, if you ask me. I think it's really touching that they made a movie from a script written by a 6-year-old. ::puts finger in ear:: It was written by an adult? Oh dear.

  • The Walk

    The Walk

    ★★★½

    Me for the first 90 minutes: This is folly. Everything looks so fake and plastic. How can Zemeckis do justice to this incredible feat with effects? There's gonna be NO suspense. What a waste of my time.
    Me during the last 20 minutes: ::doesn't breathe even once::

  • Phantom Thread

    Phantom Thread

    ★★★★½

    Extra half a star for those long-ass socks in the opening scene.

  • Star Wars: The Last Jedi

    Star Wars: The Last Jedi

    ★★★★½

    Legit never expected a Star Wars movie to be *this* good. This is the most excited I've been about the franchise since I was 12. That's a lot of disappointment dispelled by just one movie.

  • It Comes at Night

    It Comes at Night

    ★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Best watched at night, because at least then something will have come at night, i.e. this movie.

  • I, Tonya

    I, Tonya

    ½

    I dread the backlashes against acclaimed movies that begin, like clockwork, during every awards season, but for this nasty, poorly made garbage I'll clear my schedule. May the ordure avalanche bury it.

  • Split

    Split

    ★★★½

    So good it even made me like McAvoy. Truly a cinematic miracle. </posterquote>

  • Silence

    Silence

    ★★★★½

    Andrew Garfield really does have the loveliest hair. If I could have anyone's hair instead of my complicated horrorshow it would be his. Rodrigo Prieto lights his hair beautifully.

  • La La Land

    La La Land

    ★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    A 130-minute-long remake of the Broadway Melody sequence from Singin' in the Rain, but set on the west coast and featuring a Coltrane reference. Luckily, I like Broadway Melody and Coltrane.