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  • Lost in Translation

    Lost in Translation

    35mm at Gateway

    This was just one of those wonderful theatrical experiences. The soupy pilgrimage leading to Columbus with an encroaching fog so thick it threatened a Mario Kart-type abyss; the fizzy euphoria of 10cc's "I'm Not in Love" bubbling up as I moseyed into the lobby; the pleasant buzz of cannabis working its way through my system. The warm texture of film elevated this to be a special experience. Coppola's masterpiece probably set the template for a certain breed…

  • Fifty Shades Freed

    Fifty Shades Freed

    Lame excuse for a travelogue; boring, endless parade of sex scenes á la The Room; no ass-munching; the conflict resets every other scene; etc. It's just obvious that Jamie Dornan is the kind of guy Dakota Johnson would talk shit about with her friends. There's no way they'd date, let alone marry! The paucity of chemistry between the two leaves this open for Vic Berger-style editing. Now THAT I'd watch.

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  • Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

    Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

    I'm not gonna pretend like I watched the movie, so this will not be a review proper. I had a free pass and was down to go, but succumbed to the rumbly in my tumbly something fierce about 45 minutes in and life's too short to watch the fifth Pirates of the Caribbean movie while famished. So, I promptly ducked out to McDonald's and randomly decided on a Big Mac — an iconic fast food staple that has somehow eluded…

  • Call Me by Your Name

    Call Me by Your Name

    That rarest of awards season birds: something compact and self-contained, less susceptible to extratextual discourse like the Three Billboardses, Posts, and Get Outs of the world. It will be different things to different people. For me, I was particularly enamored with its leisurely unfurling and lush, ripe ecosystem. It's become reductive shorthand to associate anything fertile and pastoral with Miyazaki's world, but here we are again. This is downright dewy — sticking your hands in this Italian soil might unearth…