• Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers

    Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers

    fairly enjoyable, which makes it feel way more evil

  • Top Gun

    Top Gun

    Was this a recruitment tactic for the Air Force or for being gay? Either way is tight.

  • Amistad

    Amistad

    an orgy of self-congratulation and bullshit

  • Titanic

    Titanic

    Kate Winslet’s( • ) ( • )were the 1st( • ) ( • )I ever saw

  • Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

    Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

    For a movie about multiverses and madness, it’s pretty bland. Two scenes belong to Sam Raimi. If we’re being generous, it’s a single scene—maybe two if you count Bruce Campbell’s turn as “Pizza Papa”—and one section near the end of the film. These parts are good. The rest of the movie belongs to the beast. The beast is a cruel and uncaring machinelike apex predator. The beast grinds creativity to the bone and drains it of all nutrients before injecting…

  • Jeepers Creepers

    Jeepers Creepers

    In the late 1980s, 29-year-old filmmaker, Victor Salva, had his career abruptly cut short when he was found guilty of lewd and lascivious conduct, oral sex with a person under the age of 12, and procuring a child for pornography. He was sentenced to three years in state prison. After serving a mere 15 months, Salva was released. He completed his parole in 1992. With nothing more than a stack of sex offender registration forms under his arm and a…

  • Uncharted: Live Action Fan Film
  • Uncharted

    Uncharted

    It’s definitely not the worst movie I’ve ever seen but while it was playing I had to ask myself, “Is this the worst movie I’ve ever seen?” 
    Beyond bland.

  • Alien: Covenant

    Alien: Covenant

    Spineless filmmaking. Tries to keep one foot in Prometheus while mucking about in Alien world, in the end it services neither. It’s Prometheus for dummies and Alien for babies. Shame this is the reason we’ll never get Blomkamp’s take on Alien.

  • The Northman

    The Northman

    The last time someone saw visions of Björk telling them to kill it didn’t end well…

  • The Northman

    The Northman

    Beta Robert Eggers [*adjusts glasses*]: We uh—as you know, with The Northman we uhh, well, we were going for total period accuracy.

    Me, a Chad: That so, Bobby? Then why’s everyone speak English and why don’t we see a single naked Viking dick? We deserved to see a few on the Dolby screen, Bob.

    Beta Robert Eggers [*winces*] [*cowers into his basement bedroom filled with ‘history’ books*]

  • The Robbery