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Bryan has written 59 reviews for films rated .

  • Crash

    Crash

    This might be one of the worst movies to ever win best picture. It's basically a bunch of loosely strung together short films that are barely above student quality. It's all heavy-handed and obvious racial moralizing, and seems to abandon half of its too many characters.

  • Showgirls

    Showgirls

    I knew it would be a bad movie, but I thought it would be a fun bad movie. It's not fun, despite having all the potential for campy excess that its high-brow cousin All About Eve revels in. The best I can say is it's incredibly well-crafted. Verhoeven may not know how to take a bad actress and a bad script and spin it into gold, but from a craftmanship angle the movie is perfectly put together in a way…

  • Skiptrace

    Skiptrace

    A lame Jackie Chan vehicle that tries to be another Rush Hour (which I can't stand despite being one of Jackie's most successful films.) Directed by Renny Harlin, it's a lot of gloss and flash to cover up a terrible script, and I ended up just fast-forwarding to the few bland action sequences (the only scene worth watching is a fight in a Russian factory, but Chan's staged far better fights in factories than this). Johnny Knoxville seems like he could act if he really tried, and in fact looks like he could be Michael Shannon's brother. They should team up.

  • The Worst Witch

    The Worst Witch

    Low budget British TV movie with young Fairuza Balk that could be viewed as a prototype for Harry Potter, but the only redeeming moment is a spectacularly cheesy musical number with Tim Curry. Otherwise it's just poorly acted dreck with less than convincing effects (even for 1986) and the occasional campy moments.

  • Sentimental Journey

    Sentimental Journey

    Jimmy Stewart plays an airline pilot who stares longingly at airplanes for 20 minutes in this short video for the Donald Douglas Aircraft Museum (now the San Diego Air and Space Museum). As airplane porn goes, it even tops his Strategic Air Command. As entertainment goes, it's a total bore. However, this is a good place to mention that Jimmy Stewart was an aviation nut who flew bombing missions over Europe in WWII and attained the rank of Brigadier General.…

  • River of No Return

    River of No Return

    I watched this because of Otto Preminger but mostly because it was shot in Banff, Canada where I visited this summer. They made a big deal up there about this bridge that Marilyn Monroe and Robert Mitchum supposedly kiss on, but it's not in the film at all. It's a horrible story that's not well told and Monroe's overly-enunciated acting is atrocious. Although apparently restored, the DVD still looks terrible, making whatever scenery the film offers pretty underwhelming. A turkey.

  • Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

    Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

    There's a moment when Peter Cushing's animated corpse appears in this film. When we first see him it's from behind. He's looking out a window, and all we can see is the blurry image of his face reflected​ in the glass, and it's a perfectly haunting and tasteful way to evoke a dead actor's likeness. Then he turns around and it becomes an hideous videogame cut-scene, and that's pretty much everything wrong with modern Star Wars. There's simply no sense…

  • Super Fly

    Super Fly

    Horribly made urban drama undeserving of any reputation.

  • The Scent of Rain & Lightning

    The Scent of Rain & Lightning

    A muddled and mumbled mystery drama rife with bad artistic choices, from the muddy brown color palette, the incessant and disorienting handheld camera, the casting of a bunch of interchangeable men with beards, the casting of a bunch of interchangeable blonde women, the complete waste of Bonnie Bedelia, and a boring main character who starts out as a detective revealing the past, but apparently gives up and the past is just told to us anyway. I can't tell if the script is any good or not but it seemed like something interesting was going on under the dismal direction. Guess you'd have to read the book.

  • Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

    Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

    After 20 minutes of clunky exposition, nonstop bathroom humor, and not a single laugh, I gave up.

  • Dumb and Dumber

    Dumb and Dumber

    The occasional laugh doesn't save two actors trying desperately hard to be clowns. But the real problem is the world they inhabit has nothing of interest, and the writer/directors have nothing to say, meaning it's just two actors playing dumb with nothing to play against. That's not how you do comedy.

  • Cowboys & Aliens

    Cowboys & Aliens

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    SPOILERS but read it anyway so you won't want to watch this piece of crap! Hollywood wants me to accept that there aliens in the old west, but at the same time wants me to take the concept, story, and characters very seriously like it's some important piece of film. Where's the humor? Where's the narrative drive? Why does the movie grind to a lifeless halt every 15 minutes? Where's the awe and wonder at the discovery of things never…