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Bryan has written 62 reviews for films rated .

  • Dolemite


    Dolemite (that's his name!?) is released from prison to help the FBI catch the people that framed him. This movie is just inept and awful, but in a fascinating way. Witness everything bad about 70s filmmaking - horrible fashions and colors, low rent poverty, horrendous acting, a lead with no charisma, lazy stories with pointless diversions and bad pacing, tasteless exploitation of trashy women, audio that doesn't sync, and some of the worst fight choreography ever. And yet, it offers…

  • Sleepaway Camp

    Sleepaway Camp

    There's definitely some camp if you don't fall asleep. This cult fave is as ineptly made as can be, but you can laugh at the 80s fashion, horrid acting, overly-dramatic murders, and whacked out ending. It was a bit of a nostalgia trip.

  • Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

    Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    After years in the animation world, Brad Bird directs his first live action feature - and it's even more of a cartoon. Praised for revitalizing the action genre, Ghost Protocol is nothing more than a series of highly implausible events using ridiculous technology with only a passing nod to anything resembling character or reality. If I want to see cartoony spy action, I'd just watch The Incredibles again. Ghost Protocol is slick and well-paced in the James Bond tradition, but…

  • Crash


    This might be one of the worst movies to ever win best picture. It's basically a bunch of loosely strung together short films that are barely above student quality. It's all heavy-handed and obvious racial moralizing, and seems to abandon half of its too many characters.

  • Showgirls


    I knew it would be a bad movie, but I thought it would be a fun bad movie. It's not fun, despite having all the potential for campy excess that its high-brow cousin All About Eve revels in. The best I can say is it's incredibly well-crafted. Verhoeven may not know how to take a bad actress and a bad script and spin it into gold, but from a craftmanship angle the movie is perfectly put together in a way…

  • Skiptrace


    A lame Jackie Chan vehicle that tries to be another Rush Hour (which I can't stand despite being one of Jackie's most successful films.) Directed by Renny Harlin, it's a lot of gloss and flash to cover up a terrible script, and I ended up just fast-forwarding to the few bland action sequences (the only scene worth watching is a fight in a Russian factory, but Chan's staged far better fights in factories than this). Johnny Knoxville seems like he could act if he really tried, and in fact looks like he could be Michael Shannon's brother. They should team up.

  • The Worst Witch

    The Worst Witch

    Low budget British TV movie with young Fairuza Balk that could be viewed as a prototype for Harry Potter, but the only redeeming moment is a spectacularly cheesy musical number with Tim Curry. Otherwise it's just poorly acted dreck with less than convincing effects (even for 1986) and the occasional campy moments.

  • Sentimental Journey

    Sentimental Journey

    Jimmy Stewart plays an airline pilot who stares longingly at airplanes for 20 minutes in this short video for the Donald Douglas Aircraft Museum (now the San Diego Air and Space Museum). As airplane porn goes, it even tops his Strategic Air Command. As entertainment goes, it's a total bore. However, this is a good place to mention that Jimmy Stewart was an aviation nut who flew bombing missions over Europe in WWII and attained the rank of Brigadier General.…

  • River of No Return

    River of No Return

    I watched this because of Otto Preminger but mostly because it was shot in Banff, Canada where I visited this summer. They made a big deal up there about this bridge that Marilyn Monroe and Robert Mitchum supposedly kiss on, but it's not in the film at all. It's a horrible story that's not well told and Monroe's overly-enunciated acting is atrocious. Although apparently restored, the DVD still looks terrible, making whatever scenery the film offers pretty underwhelming. A turkey.

  • Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

    Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

    There's a moment when Peter Cushing's animated corpse appears in this film. When we first see him it's from behind. He's looking out a window, and all we can see is the blurry image of his face reflected​ in the glass, and it's a perfectly haunting and tasteful way to evoke a dead actor's likeness. Then he turns around and it becomes an hideous videogame cut-scene, and that's pretty much everything wrong with modern Star Wars. There's simply no sense…

  • Super Fly

    Super Fly

    Horribly made urban drama undeserving of any reputation.

  • The Scent of Rain & Lightning

    The Scent of Rain & Lightning

    A muddled and mumbled mystery drama rife with bad artistic choices, from the muddy brown color palette, the incessant and disorienting handheld camera, the casting of a bunch of interchangeable men with beards, the casting of a bunch of interchangeable blonde women, the complete waste of Bonnie Bedelia, and a boring main character who starts out as a detective revealing the past, but apparently gives up and the past is just told to us anyway. I can't tell if the script is any good or not but it seemed like something interesting was going on under the dismal direction. Guess you'd have to read the book.