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  • Seal Team Eight: Behind Enemy Lines

    Seal Team Eight: Behind Enemy Lines

    ★★★

    On the one hand, this is blatant US army propaganda where the indistinguishable 'heroes' blow away hundreds of anonymous minorities without batting an eye.

    On the other, every soldier in this are dumbasses who are fooled like babies without object permanence and are killed one by one in gruesome ways. It all climaxes with a jaw-dropping finale in which the lone survivor in a hoodie and jeans kills every single person in a city block as if he was wandering…

  • Cry, Onion!

    Cry, Onion!

    ★★★

    Verrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy silly Spaghetti Western in which Franco Nero fucking loves onions. He eats 'em like apples, he uses them as weapons, and he wants to start an onion farm. Franco Nero is dubbed by someone doing a Don Knotts impersonation, Sterling Hayden is distractingly voiced by an actor speaking flatly (WHERE'S THE GRAVEL!?), and Martin Balsam has a mechanical gold claw hand. Enzo G. Castellari delivers some Richard Lester-like verve behind the camera, but when every set-piece is a sped-up keystone cops routine, it gets old real fast.

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  • Assassination Nation

    Assassination Nation

    ★½

    The film starts with a TRIGGER WARNINGS joke. Oof.

    Politically all over the place and tonally repugnant. The film is about the horrors of mob violence and it goosed our audience to scream "KILL! KILL! KILL!" at one point.

    I'm a white dude, so it's not really my place to say this, but it kinda felt uncomfortable watching another white dude make a film about the complexities of being a young woman that revels in mentally and physically abusing them until it switches into a heavy-handed "ISN'T THIS VIOLENCE KEWL!?" finale.

  • Mank

    Mank

    ★★½

    "I stay married to you Mank because it's never boring."

    ME, WATCHING MOVIE: That is not true.

    Images that look like you flipped your iPhone to black and white. A story with no dramatic meat. Performances that range from subdued to kind of bored. I understand David Fincher made this film to honour a script his father wrote, but honestly, it probably needed a few more drafts. I genuinely thought "Boy, I'd rather be watching RKO 281, the TV movie about the making-of CITIZEN KANE, or HAIL CEASAR, or ME AND ORSON WELLES, or even frigging TRUMBO.