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  • Descendants

    Descendants

    ★★★★½

    The best DCOMs are the meta-DCOMs.

    I say that fully aware of my own subjective bias when I state that claim. As a person, I'm predisposed to enjoy any and all forms of metafiction - books, TV; fourth wall breaks, authorial intervention; wink nods, references, the whole nine yards. I have no idea why I like this type of thing - maybe I'm a pretentious asshole [my bet], maybe I'm just a person who likes the analyze structure a bit…

  • Never Rarely Sometimes Always

    Never Rarely Sometimes Always

    ★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    TW: Abortion, rape, abuse, alcoholism, suicide

    $385. That’s how much an abortion cost in the state of Rhode Island in 2013.

    We were in love. That is to say - I was in love. It was the kind of love that no one in reality has ever experienced, the kind you can only find in pop songs and movies. The kind you run out to coddle at 2 AM. The kind where a minute apart is two minutes too long.…

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  • The Passion of Joan of Arc

    The Passion of Joan of Arc

    In another year, another lifetime, a time when I was more willing to lean into being a pretentious snob with a big brain, I would have rated this exquisitely-framed, emotively-acted, slow-burn, genre-defining arthouse classic a 4.5, discussed its merits as craft, praised its anti-institutional themes against the church as an organization, gender norms, and general conformity, yet in the last 100 words of a 2,000 word essay no one asked for, I would argue that the paper thin plot, with…

  • Dick

    Dick

    ★★★★½

    I like to think that I’m not a pessimistic person, at least in my general, every day life. I really do believe that, at the end of the day, people are good. That isn’t to say that the worst of the worst don’t deserve to be punched in the face and face repercussions of their actions, but I’m an optimist, and I believe people are ultimately good, albeit easily corrupted by misinformation because people, while good, are also stupid.

    When…

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  • The Knight Before Christmas

    The Knight Before Christmas

    ★★½

    My fiancée: "You know, he wouldn't even know what the word 'cozy' means."
    Me: "Dude, if I think too hard about this movie, it'll ruin it."

    Five minutes later...
    My fiancée: "You know, he probably wouldn't even know what an orange is."

  • Teen Beach Movie

    Teen Beach Movie

    ★★★★★

    I think when most people talk about film, they want to talk about it as a Valid Thing™. For some reason or another, unfortunately, "validity" is defined by how "high brow" it is, which means merit lies in artfulness. It's why romance novels are buried in your aunt's bathroom, and why video game enthusiasts are so adamant to be taken seriously. Of course, there's a whole separate conversation of validity gained through subversion/transgression, i.e. camp, but camp has more to…