Suspiria ★½

~iTs A cLaSsIc So U cAnT h8 iT!~

The Acting: ~To die for~ like it's so unbearable murder me to put me out of my misery
The Dialogue: Exposition that also somehow told me nothing about what’s going on
Production Design: kitsch like my mother’s mantel so I liked the aesthetic but that doesn’t equal arthouse bois & gurls
Color/Lighting: problematic camp à la Sontag; try-hard and it shows
Homage to German Expressionist Silent Films: cool but how ‘bout you make it silent, then?
Camerawork: they look cool bu...why tho? How do any of these shots serve to tell the story?
The Story: Genius logline turns into convoluted feature that goes around in circles and could’ve been told in 10 minutes
Runtime: the longest 90ish minutes because ever shot is drawn out for max spoooky and it’s anything but
The Oh-cult: it’s uh-cult for Christ’s sake!
That Score: Straight bops.

Yeah, I hated this. Wish I didn't because this seemed up my alley, and there's elements I loved, but overall, this was a painful experience. The fact that it's not streaming anywhere and impossible to "find" only made it worse. The score and sound design are the only thing that made this worthwhile.

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