Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice ★★★

"Boy, do we have PROBLEMS UP HERE!"

What a beautiful, bombastic, bizarre, metaphorical, muddled and over-the-top calamity. Not in our time has such a crockpot of odd ideas been mixed together to create such a polished and glistening turd.

Where to begin? Not only am I thinking this, but the movie is as well. We have introduction after introduction smacked at us, starting with a genuinely great scene that steals a little too much from Batman Forever. After that? Who knows, it's all just happening before your eyes. We have almost tits, sassy Alfred, a surprisingly great performance from Laurence Fishburne, brutal sequences that are like something out of a horror movie, bizarre comedy, awkward metaphorical dialogue, forced cameos and Jesse Fuckin Eisenberg.

Eisenberg is both the saving grace and the dooming trumpet of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. He both saves every dull moment, and destroys every great one. His completely, utterly and entirely bratty little show he puts on is almost so stunningly captivating in all the wrong ways that it makes you beg for him to come back. Even the score pumps him up, with Hans Zimmer blasting what sounds almost like Jack Sparrow's theme every time Eisenberg trots in with his floppy mop.

How's Batman? Well, as the Warner Bros. reps and a pre-recorded Zack Snyder begged everyone in the audience before tonights screening, I shouldn't say too much. After all, Affleck's version of the character is one of the main draws. His relatively normal Bruce Wayne mixed with his hard and brutal Batman make for a fun time, and he even gets some nice lines near the end.

Superman? Well, Snyder definitely seems like more of a Batman guy. The Man of Steel is sidelined in what is essentially a sequel to his own movie, and by golly gosh does he ever miss the mark when it comes to conveying any sort of emotion with Cavill's red caped wonder.

Wonder Woman? Well, you'll see.

Batman v Superman is a wreck, a mess, and a hell of a weird time at the cinema. It's hard to hate a movie that has both a jar of piss and horrible elderly torture in it. It'll be interesting to see where this goes, and for now I say, it's worth a look.

Heck, Richard Trapp and I did have a hell of a time at the premiere.

"Don't believe everything you hear, son."

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