I wish I had something meaningful or insightful to explain why everyone is wrong and that this movie is a pile of shit, but I don’t. I can’t really condemn any of the filmmaking as lacking in quality. It’s not inherently poorly made. I just loathe everything about it. Watching it was simply a miserable experience and I can’t think of a single aspect of it that felt like it worked in a fully formed way. Worst of all, the idea of spending the rest of my life being constantly reminded about this film’s existence and questioned for why it didn’t work for me is a genuinely depressing thought.

Honestly I’m still not convinced that this isn’t all just a huge joke, that everyone knows this movie is just exhausting and idiotic, and that I’m just being duped. I probably won’t ever be convinced. I don't think a single aspect of this film is effective. The comedy is downright horrendous, and it's so integral to the film that any given moment in which the film is trying to be emotional, it's ruined by an attempt at comedy. I can't buy for a second the emotion this film is trying to convey because I'm too busy groaning about a shitty "everything bagel" joke. While the supporting cast works well enough and I certainly don't want to discredit the work they're doing, I don't think Michelle Yeoh is particularly good either which hurts. Anytime an actor who is fluent in a language tries to walk a line of making a character less fluent and playing up their accent as being "more foreign" always rubs me the wrong way, and here especially it comes across as somewhat offensively caricature-like.

Edit: The more I think about it, the less I’m convinced that this is even a competent movie. I’m genuinely not sure if anyone involved in this knows what this film wants to say, or is at all interested in effectively conveying a message. Regardless, I know that whatever message they thought they were getting across, it sure as hell was not effective in the slightest.