Geostorm ½

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

A global weather satellite is out of control. If you think your brother is responsible for killing millions of people, turn to page 17. If you think it is the president of the United States, turn to page 19.

You discover a virus on the computer software. If you want to shut it down, turn to page 34. If you want to hack the system and take over the controls, turn to page 35.

In order to avert a species threatening global catastrophe, you need the president's secret code. If you ask the president to look out the window at the fire raining from the sky, turn to page 95; if you ask the pretty secret service agent to kidnap the president and bring you his eyeballs, turn to page 99.

Someone needs to stay behind on the self-destructing ship to push the "in-case-of-species-threatening-Geostorm-push-this-button" button. If you volunteer to do it yourself, go to page 127. If you let the pretty female scientist die to save the world in your place, turn to page BLEEP YOU YOU FRICKIN' COWARD NO HOLLYWOOD A-LIST STAR WOULD PLAY A COWARD, YOU ARE GOING DOWN WITH THE SHIP A-HOLE!!!!!

The spaceship with the only chance of saving the world is blowing up...with your dad on it. If you take whatever cover you can find and try to spend your last few minutes alive praying, getting really high, or figuring out how to not die a virgin, go to page 69. If you watch it live on what I assume must be *satellite tv," go to page DOESN"T MY SATELLITE TV GO OUT WHENEVER THERE IS BAD WEATHER?

Someone offers you free tickets to Geostorm. If you take them, go to page 999 blind monkeys chained to typewriters. If you say, "No thanks, I'd rather watch Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo" go to page 21 minutes of your life is just what you saved.