Dear Evan Hansen

Dear Evan Hansen ★★★★★

The movie is culture waking up next to someone they should’ve never fucked. Yes, you once went to bed with this irredeemable creature on Broadway. You gave him Tonys and and all your acclaim…Now look at him. Keep looking. THIS is what you wanted? Oink.

They made a Goldbergian contraption compromised exclusively of wrong choices, it’s wondrous. The most charitable comparison I can muster is Rebecca Black’s Friday. Ten years ago some kid you’d never heard of had parents with 4 grand to burn and the result was an object of fascination and meme iconography. Now blow up that same privileged hubris from $4,000 to a $28 million dollar budget and from a child to a deluded 27 year old man whose complete lack of humor and his parentage betrays a DNA-deep entitlement. The 3rd title card we see in the end credits is Ben Platt’s father and Hollywood super-producer Marc Platt, cementing the fact that sometimes movies are just millionaires doing a Make A Wish for their weird kids. This was a set-up, and we were the mark. But the con didn't quite go over...

Ben Platt as Evan Hansen is the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen on screen, and here’s why watching him flail like a windy trashbag was so joyous…The musical itself is fundamentally broken, perhaps even a bit evil, but the one decision of eschewing an age-appropriate and competent actor to play the title role and instead centering the least self-aware man alive transformed what should’ve been an anonymous flop into a raging full-throated repudiation of nepotism. It feels special!

Go watch Jenny Nicholson’s delightful pan or the countless TikToks of children laughing at Platt. On the day the trailer first dropped, Twitter felt like a festival with Platt's foundation-drenched fuck-old face the funeral pyre we set ablaze.

The 360° fullness of this film’s failure is so different from the innocuously gonzo spectacle of CATS (2019). Dear Evan Hansen sucking this much shit feels like justice.

Most movies aren’t good of course, and most of those movies that aren’t good aren’t worth the breath it takes to dismiss them. But Dear Evan Hansen, oh my lord what a gift…it is the rare movie that actually deserves your hate. A perfect film, five stars!

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