Eternals ★½

In 2022, it's tough for Marvel to make a movie that's more fascinating than our imagination of what actually happened behind the scenes. Unfortunately those stories are so sanitized and NDA'd to hell that Mickey Mouse would literally have to die before we really understand it.

Paramount is about to release a show called The Offer, which is a prestige dramatization of the making The Godfather. This slightly new angle to strip-mine the shit out of pre-existing IP not through sequel, prequel, or reboot but by meta-text would be a wildly compelling way to interrogate what the hell was going on with the cultural monolith.

Imagine (in 30 years) a FX series dramatization of the making of Eternals. A visionary filmmaker sets out to combine her humanistic palette with the anonymous responsibility required by franchise-stewardship and fails spectacularly

You can imagine the arc of a woman who starts a bloated budget blockbuster without a best-director Oscar on her mantle only to receive one before post-production starts and perhaps that changes the power dynamic quite a bit. You'd probably be quite entertained by scenes featuring the ideological clash with a dramatized Feige, obtusely genial in his chilly wisdom. Imagine being able to see the pre-production meeting in which all department heads and studio execs come together to say "So we agree, we will make a movie re-writing history so that Hiroshima is actually a gay black man's fault...but he feels really bad about!"

This is above all a movie about a mother (Angelina) trying to impress her children (her children) by humbling herself to 5th on the call-sheet. One and a half stars!

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