Horribly disfigured children get kidnapped aboard a runaway train and are forced to submit their belief to a false god before being returned home.
Rambly, tonally sloppy, prequelish, overlong, tedious, gimmicky but not genuinely surprising. Despite its attempts at subverting Star Wars tropes it plays entirely within the most unimaginative rules of that universe. None of the characters have real arcs; stuff happens TO them but that stuff doesn’t materially change these characters the way that Luke, Leia and Han were all changed by the end of IV and especially by the end of V. Ultimately it’s just a complete drag to leave yet another Star Wars movie disappointed.
This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.
Any time you watch a superhero movie you've got to be willing to suspend disbelief. But the levels on which viewers of this corporate Frankenstein's monster are asked to do so are next-level egregious.
In some ways the entire production is a huge pretense—the pretense that you're watching a movie at all when in fact it's fully evident that you're watching a heavily focus group-tested pastiche of marketing strategies. You could easily mistake the finished product for some kind of…