Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City

Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City ★★½

I don’t know how someone can manage to miscast so many actors and actresses in their roles this badly. My jaw literally dropped when they said who Jill Valentine was, who was the casting director on this? Were they just fucking with the director and us? Did they take Trump’s little “we do a little trolling” and view it as a way to conduct their job? There’s no way they thought these were accurate to the games let alone the parts as written. The only cast members who are fit for their roles are Claire and Birkin, they are cast pretty well and do good with what little they’re given to work with. There’s a good movie here, I know there is, and the attempt to make a good faithful adaption is obvious. I just don’t know where this went wrong.

Maybe it’s because they had the stupid idea of stitching together the stories of two games together for no goddamn reason. Seriously, was the thinking going to be for the next one “let’s merge the stories of Resident Evil 3 and 5 next”? It’s so goddamn stupid I don’t know how the studio looked at this pitch and didn’t immediately say “pick one game to adapt and save the rest for sequels”. Like from no perspective does this make any goddamn sense.

 I was warned this would be mediocre and I’m probably gonna add to this review as time goes on cause I’m so disappointed. Resident Evil is among my favorite franchises, this hurts far more than the earlier adaptions because those played fast and loose with the lore and in their own fucking stupid way it worked. But this is clearly made with love for the fans in mind, to the point where it becomes annoying, the amount of Easter eggs in here made me literally think it was Easter Weekend. I’m just confused, Resident Evil’s lore is among the most bizarre and wacky in gaming, how has Hollywood not been able to make a properly weird film out of it? The more I think about this film the more pissed I’m going to get. 

Anyone remember when George Romero was gonna direct a Resident Evil movie? And Capcom fired him and the reasoning was something along the lines of “it’s too faithful to the games and yet there’s differences that are gonna upset old fans. We figured it’d be best if we did something entirely different and new that way those expectations don’t weigh down the film”? I used to think that excuse was among the stupidest fucking things I’d ever heard, but this movie made me think that maybe it wasn’t entirely wrong. This is insanely faithful and yet when its not, it’s really fucking weird. I’d have rather they been less faithful and made an actual good horror movie, the fans would bitch but they bitch anyways, stop making movies that cater to such whiny idiots who complain on twitter all day who were not gonna see your movie in the first place. If you aren’t a fan of this franchise like I am, I literally read the books (yes, there’s books, they’re awful) and comics (also quite bad), you’re gonna be quite confused on what the story even is here. I don’t think they even explain what Umbrella is, like they give vague throwaway lines but for the most part I don’t know what they even sell or what their capabilities are.

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