Day 5 of Shocktober
It's clear that Rob Zombie didn't have much interest in creating remake of Halloween. It seems more like he wanted to make another movie in his long-running brand of white-trash horror, and had to collect a paycheck so figured he may as well force that movie into a remake of a far more popular one.

The first half of the movie, in which Michael Meyer's childhood is expanded upon in detail, would maybe be fine had it not retroactively ruined what made the original movie great; lack of motivation for the murders. Not only does it try to paint Michael as some sort of sympathetic, pitch-black anti-hero, but it also forces in the twist of making Laurie his sister, giving him a clear motive to his madness, even though his whole character is based around the absence of rationale.

Speaking of Laurie, gone is the capable, mature-beyond-her years heroine of the original film, and in her place is an utterly childish, squealing banshee. Rob Zombie tries to give his dialogue a sort of "edge" over the original, but everything comes out sounding so ridiculously crass that it becomes a caricature. This movie could actually be viewed as a satire on Rob Zombie's mind, given how ridiculous the southern white trash stereotypes are in this movie, they almost seem like cartoon characters.

The original Halloween had some cheesy, 70's flavored dialogue, but at least it held some charm in it. The remake feels almost deliberately charmless. Rob Zombie has adjusted the dialogue to be era-appropriate; meaning he attempts to shock you with vulgarity time after time and repeatedly fails. In the beginning some of this seemed like it might start to work, as it contrasted seemingly normal family life against the dark realities of white-trash hell, kind of like David Lynch if David Lynch was the kind of edgy try-hard who liked to draw dicks and swastikas all over his notebooks in high-school. When the movie hits it's second half, any sort of meaningful commentary Rob Zombie tried to create in his depiction of Michael's childhood disappears and instead he lazily rushes to get through the movie that he was commissioned to make.

He does this by removing all long scenes of Michael Meyer's methodically stalking his victims, and instead films everything in extreme close-up, with jump cuts every three seconds, giving no room for Michael to prowl around the background of scenes like he was so prone to do in the original. Instead of murdering people in his quick and methodical way, he instead screams and slams people against walls repeatedly, splattering as much blood as possible in every direction. He also more than triples the body count from the first movie, presumably because he had to make feature-film length and didn't know how to fill time.

The remake of Halloween is an awful, awful movie, that has the unfortunate nature of having to be compared to a much better one. The original movie's creativity and innovation are scooped out of it's heart and replaced with a bunch of meaningless, empty violence. Great job, Rob.