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  • Venom

    Venom

    ★½

    "Outstanding! Now, let's bite off all the heads and pile them up in the corner."

    I don't think the producers, writers, director, or Tom Hardy agreed on what they wanted this movie to be.

    So many attempts at humor that fall flat. There are a few that land. The funniest one is Venom calling Brock a pussy. The second funniest is at the beginning of the movie, when in giant letters it proclaims "In Association with Marvel." Because Marvel wants…

  • The House with a Clock in Its Walls

    The House with a Clock in Its Walls

    ★★

    Always bland, sometimes cringey. Eli Roth's potty humor isn't funny in The Green Inferno, so of course he includes it here to prove he's both immature and not funny.

    Completely wastes three great actors: Jack Black, Cate Blanchett, and Kyle MacLachlan. I mean, not properly utilizing Kyle MacLachlan? That's practically criminal.

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  • The Thing

    The Thing

    ★★★★★

    This is one of my favorite films ever. It is the perfect blend of sci-fi and horror. The special effects are so well done that even decades later they remain a disturbing sight; modern movies should watch The Thing and weep in shame.

    The characters, the paranoia, the sense of claustrophobic doom, it's all brilliantly done.

    I watched this movie when I was decently young, so it holds a special place in my heart as being one of the few films that ever managed to scare me.

  • Army of Darkness

    Army of Darkness

    ★★★★

    Just found my MGM Region 3 Director's Cut buried in a pile of DVDs. Groovy.

    The movie is 93 minutes long with some alternate takes and the original ending. It's awesome, though I do miss "Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun."

    Army of Darkness is a ridiculous, campy, over-the-top slapstick comedy in which the goofy Ash manages to make life a lot more difficult for everyone he meets. There really is nothing like a Bruce Campbell one-liner.