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  • Dark Victory

    Dark Victory

    ★★★½

    The specifics of Bette's illness are nonsensical and it milks the melodrama of its final moments a little too far, but this is nonetheless a finely moving drama about the responsibility the living owe the dying and vice versa. Could've used more horse stuff and, by extension, more Bogie. Also featuring Ronald Reagan as a perpetually soused good time guy.

  • Charlie's Angels

    Charlie's Angels

    ★★★½

    The horseshoe theory of female objectification in that it's so drunk on the male gaze that it bends back around to present a world in which every woman is a kick-ass super spy who speaks ten different languages and every man is a drooling lech easily thwarted by strategically deployed cleavage. Or I'm just trying to intellectualize a big-budget Carl's Jr. commercial to make it align with my interests. I've stumbled across this movie on cable so many times over the years and my ability to tune in right when the Soul Train scene begins is uncanny. Cameron Diaz, great dancer, supremely gifted physical comedian.

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  • Detroit

    Detroit

    ★★

    I'm from Detroit. I've lived in and around the city for the majority of my life. This movie has nothing to say about this city, the uprising of '67 or, most damningly, what it's like to be black in America. Detroit (the movie) is the cinematic equivalent of Ramsay Bolton from Game of Thrones; it luxuriates interminably in the depths of human depravity without ever arriving at a meaningful conclusion. Maybe the hopelessness I felt watching Detroit was intentional. It…

  • Fifty Shades Freed

    Fifty Shades Freed

    ★½

    This is the last one of these fucking movies and you *still* don't see his penis. What the actual fuck? Dakota Johnson has been baring it all since the beginning, but all we get of Jamie Dornan is a hint of pubes. There's only one explanation for this not-so-kinky fuckery: Jamie Dornan has a bad dick.