Suspiria ★★½

Witchcraft freaks Catholics the fuck out. If you're Catholic, or are immersed in the Catholic culture of a country like Italy, it probably freaks you out too, and with very little effort. Unfortunately for us atheists, "very little effort" just isn't enough to make animistic dancing and thaumaturgy anything more than Hideously Boring--the label with which I brand the first two hours of this miracle cure for insomnia. Things pick up a bit with the last half hour, despite its obvious reveal, but mostly this film is as inert and tedious as Dakota Johnson's acting. Points for aesthetics, as well as making me imagine what would happen if Wim Wenders and Anne Rice collaborated on the next entry in the Step Up series, but that's simply not enough.

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