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  • Cars 3

    Cars 3

    ★★

    Lightning McQueen retire bitch

  • Split

    Split

    ★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    First of all, this is Exhibit A in how spoilers can ruin a movie. Just knowing it's an M. Night jam is bad enough in looking for the twist; knowing that it fits into his M. Night Superverse pretty much gives the game away. Which might have been fine if the lady-in-captivity angle really had the goods (and a lot of people seem to think it has), but it seemed so pro forma to me. It's no 10 Cloverfield Road,…

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  • Beasts of the Southern Wild

    Beasts of the Southern Wild

    ★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Hey girl. Sorry you're too young and too small to do anything about global warming, your poverty, your father's horrendous parenting style, your missing mom, your terrible schooling, your community's penchant for alcoholism and general unwindulaxing, and being inculcated with values that emphasize the masculine ("beast it") to the detriment of the feminine ("don't be a pussy"). Oh yeah, and your father dying.

    But hey! You stood up to some imaginary monster pigs, so good for you.

  • Me and Orson Welles

    Me and Orson Welles

    BOYHOOD took twelve years to make, but this took twelve years to watch.