[to the tune of Phyllis Dillon’s version of ‘Perfidia’]

To you,
My heart cries out “Suspiriorum”

Me during the first half: “Oh holy shit, I’m gonna love this.”

Me during the second half: “Oh that’s right, the title isn’t about a woman’s ascent, it’s just an ironic commentary on the male lead’s decline lmao damaged straight men are so boring”

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

hey siri show me a straight teenage boy's jerkoff fantasy that's been directed like an over-budget Starz rip-off of The Americans where literally nothing that happens is important but they've made sure you get to see plenty of sideboob while its star is being tortured