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  • Twilight



    One thing you can say about Twilight is that it is not boring. There are a billion characters, they’re always saying some crazy shit, and they’re SO HORNY! It took me out of my body in a way that did not give me pleasure but did give me fascination, and when it was over I couldn’t believe it but I felt compelled to watch the next one.

    Twilight kept me awake, which honestly is more than I can say for…

  • The Santa Clause

    The Santa Clause


    It's not the most important Christmas movie, nor the best Christmas movie, nor really a beloved Christmas movie, but it is, technically, a movie.

    (This review is excerpted from my new book Shit, Actually: The Definitive, 100% Objective Guide to Modern Cinema, available October 2020, and used with permission from the publisher. I think you should preorder it!)

Popular reviews

  • The Fugitive

    The Fugitive


    Objectively, there's only one good movie, and it's The Fugitive. The Fugitive is the best movie because it has the best lines and is never scary, only interesting and exciting. We didn’t need any more movies after The Fugitive. We didn’t need any movies before it either. We should erase those. The Fugitive is the only good movie.

    I wanted to call my new book The Fugitive Is the Only Good Movie but my publisher wouldn’t let me, probably because…

  • Titanic



    I think we're supposed to admire Kate Winslet for having terrific moxie or something, but really all she does is yell about how no one can tell her what to do and then just does whatever Leonardo DiCaprio tells her to do. (Sometimes he tells her things like this: "You're so stupid! Why did you do that? You're so stupid, Rose!!!" and "SSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH.") Watching Titanic for the third time for the purposes of my book, I could not wait to get to…