• Willed to Kill

    Willed to Kill

    If you’ve seen Body of Proof, Bones, and that one episode of The Mentalist, you know what this is, who it is, and it is what it is. 

    The acting, the writing, the pacing, the editing … atrocious. I had absolutely no idea what the timeline was…characters meet for the first time in one scene and by the next, it’s now presumably weeks or months later based on their conversation (definitely not their chemistry). 

    It is by no means terrible — I’ve…

  • The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window

    The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window

    ★★★½

    I did this entirely in one sitting — non-stop titters, some belly laughs, a quarter glass of Merlot, couple bong rips, and no regrets. It actually takes itself seriously throughout but balances silly with understated surprisingly well; by the title alone, having not bothered with any trailers, I expected rapid-fire, hit-or-miss jokes and outrageous parody; more Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th than Don’t Be A Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the…

  • Don't Look Up

    Don't Look Up

    ★★½

    Aka Finger-Wag the Dog

    This is the way my last watched film of 2021 ended: Not with a bang but a goofy after credits sequence. 

    I was entertained, I think, for the most part of some of it and it’s nowhere near as irritating, pointless as Vice. 

    ———

    Nice to see Ron Perlman, Robert Joy.

    Chris Evans did a short, ha-haaaaa thing. 

    I did not find Ariana Grande as Gariana Arande (eh…) to be an interesting stretch of scenes, satire,…

  • Spinning Man

    Spinning Man

    ★★½

    Aka Meh-mento

  • The Naked Edge

    The Naked Edge

    ★★★

    Scenes from a Meh-Murder-Mystery Marriage 🕵🏻‍♂️📩🕵🏻‍♀️

    😩“Cliff, tell me now…where did you get that money??”
    😐“I told you, I made a killing.”

    P.S:
    At several moments and at certain softly focused angles, Debra Kerr brought Paget Brewster and/or Sean Young to my mind.

  • Arena

    Arena

    Upon rewatch, I am deducting a star. This was hilarious until it was awfully baffling and bafflingly awful. The excessive blood, bad acting, and crummy green screen work was all that I remembered and was how I “recommended” it to the rest of the gang. It’s okay to see this just the once, if at all. 

    They really tried with Kellan Lutz for awhile though, woof. 😮‍💨

    Via Netflix Teleparty

  • Winchester

    Winchester

    First viewing since its theatrical run where I apparently rated the experience one and a half stars.

    I had a slightly better experience this time. 

    Winchester is a perfect example of a movie that need not have been released to theatres. 

    Not just because it’s bad (it is indeed quite bad and worse still, bland).

    I know that we were annoyed to have carved out a large chunk of an evening to sit in traffic after a long day of…

  • Suspiria

    Suspiria

    ★★★★

    Every handful of years, if left on autopilot, my brain believes that the lead role is played by a young Karen Allen. 🤷🏿‍♀️

  • Nine Dead

    Nine Dead

    Nine Dead is low-budget trash and a fascinating sort of bad — the kind where you wonder what it was like on-set between takes or perhaps prior to shooting while in rehearsal. In an effort to explain what you’re seeing and hearing…perhaps to humanize the lived experiences of a truly terrible cast of actors. And editor, writer, director, composer…
     
    Because how exactly did it (Saw V the Lesser) come into being? Was there passion behind this project? I get…

  • Blast

    Blast

    ★★

    A Die Hard clone but by way of VanDamme’s own Die Hard clone — 1995 hockey epic Sudden Death. 

    A derivative of a derivative. 

    So that partially explains that Video Toaster wheelchair explosion and why that single half hallway with its distinct corner is (ab)used to represent several action packed levels of an apparently labyrinthine stadium arena. 

    Icing on the shit cake: Rutger Hauer (sporting…a choice or two at the back of his head) literally phoning in his entire performance right before tuck and rolling into a pool to take shelter is just *chef’s fart*.

  • Dune

    Dune

    ★★½

    I had a very hard time watching this in 3D. It was distractingly terrible to look at and just dark as heck; spent most of the film without the glasses on, rubbing my eyes. I did not care much for the experience but I’ll give it another chance when it hits the second run theatres (more likely: on whatever streaming platform it hits down the pipe for free)

    The score was great. Natch. 
    The desert brutalist landscapes were sparse and…

  • Blood Orgy of the She-Devils

    Blood Orgy of the She-Devils

    ★★★

    My inner Nelson Muntz can think of at least 3 things wrong with the title but that’s okay because Blood Orgy of the She-Devils was a good watch anyway. 

    ♥️ Loved the sinister shadows, recurring hazy superimposed images,
    ghostly / ghastly theatrical make-up, shrill sequences of witchy caterwauling against a moody, simple synth score. 

    The ‘Native American Spiritual Guide talking stiltedly through a “White Squaw” Witch Lady with Folded Arms’ stuff was, as it turned out, pretty silly.